Confusion has arisen from the household habits of my newest roommate, “Jeff.” I don’t mind the incessant sleepwalking, the unbridled flatulence, the endorsement of conspiracy …
Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Abject Suffering
WASHINGTON, DC. – Trumping their recent rulings on student debt relief, gay rights, and affirmative action, the Supreme Court decided unanimously in favor of “abject …
SCOTUS Clarifies ‘Affirmative Action Still Constitutional for White Kids’
WASHINGTON, DC. — Following this morning’s Supreme Court ruling which declared the practice of race-conscious admissions unconstitutional, Chief Justice John Roberts emerged from his chamber …
OPINION: “Midterm Season” Is a Scam Created by Big Academia to Sell More Exams
As temperatures plummet and the trees on Sproul grow as barren as my social calendar, I know that the seasons have changed. In fact, I …
To Reduce Long Coffee Lines, GBC to Offer “Grab-and-Go” Cocaine
BERKELEY, Calif — As the only on-campus café where students can spend their flex dollars on caffeine, the Golden Bear Café experiences all-time high traffic …
Not Sure How to Network? You’re Not Alone, Assures Campus Wifi
“I just really don’t know what I’m doing and I’m tired of pretending I do,” announced Eduroam in a campus-wide notification, its router light blinking nervously. “Like, there’s all these new people on campus and I only can take so much. Who should I connect with? Who shouldn’t I?”