WASHINGTON, DC. — Following this morning’s Supreme Court ruling which declared the practice of race-conscious admissions unconstitutional, Chief Justice John Roberts emerged from his chamber to address hundreds of protestors with a clarification on the Court’s 6-3 majority decision. Affirmative action, he explained, still abides by the U.S. Constitution when it applies to admission of prospective students with legacy status, a special group of applicants who just happen to be overwhelmingly white and wealthy.

“This morning’s historic ruling set an important precedent – for justice, for fairness, for equality of opportunity,” Roberts announced in his statement. “No one should have a ‘leg-up’ in competitive admissions processes because of the color of their skin, except when the color of their skin denotes generational access to elite institutions that have historically excluded the non-white.”

Meanwhile, on the opposite coast, University of California President Michael Drake spoke to local press about the historic decision. 

“We are disappointed by the SCOTUS ruling, and want to assert to the UC community that diversity remains one of our top priorities that we will continue to do nothing about,” Drake assured, sifting through letters from university shareholders. “Needless to say, I’ve received dozens of calls this morning from Ivy League presidents. They begged for answers as to how the UC retained ethnic diversity after CA Prop 209 banned affirmative action in 1996 — to which I answered, ‘We didn’t!’ Strangely, they celebrated this information, wiping their brows, seemingly happy to be ‘let off the hook.’ They must misunderstand how their rankings will fall in the coming years, but oh well – Go Bears!”

As progressives lament what they feel is a historic step backwards, conservatives nationwide have taken to celebration, many who adamantly argued for decades that using race as a factor in admissions discredits the academic achievements of their white grandchildren. 

“Preference to legacy applicants is constitutional because America is a meritocracy, making legacy status inherently merit-based. I would know,” Roberts continued, “like half of the other justices on the Supreme Court, I went to Harvard.” 

When asked for his thoughts on why there were only nine Black students in his Harvard freshman class of 1976, Roberts mumbled something incoherent about merit, family values, and bald eagles. 

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