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Posted on January 29, 2023January 30, 2023 by: Valmic Mukund

SUPERB Updates Crowd Control Measures by Promising That All Future Performances Will Only Feature Nickelback

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Month: November 2021

Posted on November 30, 2021 by: Abby Fisher

QUIZ: Tell Us Your Hogwarts House and We’ll Tell You You’re a Fucking Nerd!

  Cover image courtesy of Wikipedia.

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Posted on November 27, 2021 by: Abby Fisher

Santa’s Elves Excited to Take Seasonal Break From Working Behind MLK Amazon Lockers

BERKELEY, Calif. – With the holiday season now kicking into full gear, Santa’s elves are moving back up to the North Pole for their Christmastime …

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Posted on November 26, 2021December 6, 2021 by: The Free Peach

HBOMax Brings Back Smallpox for Special One-Time Thanksgiving Reunion 

NEW YORK — HBOMax has announced smallpox as the latest recipient of a 2020s reunion and popularity resurgence.  “We’re excited to bring Thanksgiving back to …

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Posted on November 25, 2021November 25, 2021 by: tomwickline

BREAKING: I Am Free This Saturday If Anyone Wants to Hang Out

BERKELEY, Calif. – According to sources on the Free Peach, accomplished and popular writer Tom Wickline has his schedule open all day this Saturday. This …

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Posted on November 25, 2021April 23, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

College of Engineering Diversity Advert Shows Same Woman 6 Times in Different Costumes

BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley’s College of Engineering garnered criticism this week upon the release of a diversity pamphlet featuring only one woman, albeit in …

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Posted on November 23, 2021November 23, 2021 by: amychakladar

Fuck, There Went All Our “We Lost” Jokes

STANFORD, Calif.- Despite the best efforts of the Stanford Football Team and COVID-19, somehow the Bears clutched a narrow 41-11 victory this weekend.  “I just …

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Posted on November 21, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

OPINION: You Call That Big Game?

So I guess Stanford and Berkeley are duking it out on the gridiron again. Whoop-de-doo. A team with a 3-6 record is going up against …

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Posted on November 20, 2021 by: Tyler Goldstein

“Strong” Armed Robber Can’t Even Open Taco Bell Cantina Door

BERKELEY, Calif. — Notorious strong-armed robber Burlap Sachs was arrested this evening while struggling to open the door to the Taco Bell Cantina on Durant …

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Posted on November 19, 2021November 19, 2021 by: Bernard Chan

OPINION: Moffitt Seismic Upgrade to Accommodate the Tremors of My Thicc Ass

Recently, university staff have announced that Moffitt, the beloved school library and best place for crying before finals, will be closed for the Spring 2022 …

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Posted on November 18, 2021 by: Valmic Mukund

Michael Drake Blames Traffic for Taking 2 Years to Arrive at UCAFT Negotiating Table

BERKELEY, Calif. – Massive strikes were averted Wednesday morning when the University of California finally agreed to a fairer labor contract with UCAFT lecturers. The …

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