BERKELEY, Calif. – Massive strikes were averted Wednesday morning when the University of California finally agreed to a fairer labor contract with UCAFT lecturers. The negotiation efforts have taken nearly two years, during which time UC President Michael Drake was apparently stuck in traffic.

“It is with a tight smile and clenched teeth that I announce that the university will finally be doing the bare minimum to financially support our workforce,” Drake said in a mass email this morning. “While my long-standing disregard for UCAFT demands and advice for lecturers to ‘eat shit and die’ may make it seem like I was negotiating in bad faith, let me assure you that this was not the case. You may think that starvation wages, inadequate healthcare, lack of childcare services, and job insecurity are unfortunate inconveniences, but have you ever been stuck on the 101 during rush hour? That shit’s insane!”

All across campus, everyone with a soul is celebrating the lecturers’ achievement and hoping that they continue to make major gains in the near future. However, there are a few members of the campus community with mixed feelings about this morning’s events.

“Wait, what – I actually have to show up to class today???!!!” blurted senior Andrew Marble as he read a surprise email from his physics professor. “Oh man, this isn’t cool, not cool at all. I was so down to support my lecturers by, like, not going to class or doing any schoolwork. In fact, I hadn’t even started my CS 198 project that’s due today out of solidarity! Couldn’t they just draw out their negotiations for two more days or something? What am I supposed to do now?”

At press time, a frantic Marble announced in an email to Professor Hug that he wouldn’t be able to turn in his project on time due to the bumper-to-bumper traffic on Telegraph Avenue.  


Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

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