BERKELEY, Calif. — Authorities at UC Berkeley distributed reports this past Sunday of a tree that was reportedly a giving tree who was a tree that’s giving tree, giving Giving Tree, and, though it was very much a tree (no matter how giving), it was somehow audibly speaking, reflecting aloud with the shockingly self-aware notion that it was ‘giving Giving Tree’.

“I’ve only recently started using the phrase, ‘It’s giving,’ like, last week,” reflected giving-Giving-Tree-spotter Bell Bilverstein. “Now I’m confused. There are just so many dimensions. It’s giving… but it’s also giving… So it’s giving giving, but also giving giving giving, giving tree. It’s giving… layers, man. Layers.” 

The giving tree that was apparently giving giving tree (and possibly giving giving giving tree) had some thoughts of its own, which were thankfully caught on video by onlookers. 

“Hear ye, hear ye! You know I’m a tree! But did you know that I’m giving? Did you know that I’m the Giving Tree? Did you know that on this fine day, yes I may be looking snatched, but more importantly, I’m giving giving. I’m also giving Giving Tree, but I’m pretty much always giving Giving Tree, except for when that dumb little asshole kid from the picture book comes asking me for my branches. Then I’m just the Giving Tree, but I’m not going to be giving Giving Tree to be giving tree parts to you, Brian! What do you think, that trees grow on money? Outrageous. Also, today, I’m giving… tree, which is hard sometimes, giving that I’m giving… the only sentient, English-speaking plant in the world. But there’s a lot of pressure when you’re giving Giving Tree all the time!” the Giving Giving Tree exclaimed. 

Some onlookers were outraged at the tree’s hubris and spoke to reporters in efforts to spread awareness about the mockery. 

“It’s so annoying that this tree thinks it’s giving Giving Tree. And to be giving giving Giving Tree? I mean come on. At the very most, it’s fucking giving tree. Duh. The absolute self-centered hubris on this tree, it’s giving… giving a tree that’s not worthy of the descriptor of giving giving tree,” remarked Gen Jiskon, another observer. “All this stuff about giving. You know what? It’s giving… taking. TAKING.”

What is it giving— is it giving giving, is it giving tree, is it giving laughter, sadness, alcohol, creepy book-back photos of middle aged men? It can’t just be giving tree, because we know it’s a giving tree. Reporting on this is too hard. The world will never know.


Photo by Raymond Yee on Flickr.

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