“Due to an abundance of excessively annoying vibes, and incidents of lesser importance like civilian deaths, use of the following is henceforth banned on campus: electric skateboards, scooters, and any human-operated vehicle that travels at a velocity only appropriate for the German Autobahn,” the Chancellor’s Office announced in their official statement.
Why Convert to Christianity When You Can Worship My Consulting Club?
Sure, Jesus is great and all, but you know what’s even better? Consulting. College can be a tough, sometimes terrifying experience, and when you are …
Aww! Kid Recruiting You on Sproul Can’t Wait to Brutally Reject You
He hands you a flier as you walk unassumingly across Sproul Plaza. He beckons you over to his co-ed business fraternity’s table under their custom-embroidered …
Tragic: Hometown Tinder
SAN FRANCISCO — Nationwide, college students home for the holidays have dared to attempt one of the bravest and horniest activities known to humankind. Psychologists …
‘I’m Giving Giving Tree,’ Says the Giving Tree Who’s a Tree That’s Giving, Giving Tree, Giving Giving, Giving Giving Tree, and Also Giving Giving Giving Tree
BERKELEY, Calif. — Authorities at UC Berkeley distributed reports this past Sunday of a tree that was reportedly a giving tree who was a tree …
Rodgers’ Legacy Almost Complete: QB Throws Tantrums, Misinformation, but No Complete Passes
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recent publicity stunt, infamous Cal quarterback Chase Garbers, came searingly close to mimicking Cal football alum (’04) and Greenbay Packers …
Professor Crawls Out of His Own Asshole to Hold Your Midterm a Day After Halloween
BERKELEY, Calif. – For the majority of mischievous adult adolescents far and wide, the final days of October are a time for using silly brainiac …
Society Finally Sexualizing Asian Men Due to Fictional Game Where They All End Up Dead
LOS ANGELES — Thanks to the sensational worldwide Netflix hit Squid Game, our society has completed a full 180, effectively putting an end to the …
Three Minutes Added to Berkeley Time for Untangling Headphones
BERKELEY, Calif — The UC Berkeley administration took a historic leap this Monday, announcing a new policy in the age of Zoom-school: “Berkeley Time,” Berkeley’s …
Berkeley Student Well-Being Emails to Remind You That You Are a Piece of Shit
New this week: Why Being Not a Fucking Piece of Shit Is the Latest Self-Care Trend
Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “Wow, I’m a Piece of Shit!”? Well, we experts at Berkeley Student Well-Being know. We’re here to tell you that that one missing piece of your self care routine is NOT using facemasks, NOT increasing general hygiene, NOT regular teeth brushing, NOT wiping thoroughly, but rather just: trying harder to NOT be a Piece of Shit. JFC. It’s not that hard (neither the process nor the shit itself!)