Berkeley Student Well-Being Emails to Remind You That You Are a Piece of Shit

New this week: Why Being Not a Fucking Piece of Shit Is the Latest Self-Care Trend

Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “Wow, I’m a Piece of Shit!”? Well, we experts at Berkeley Student Well-Being know. We’re here to tell you that that one missing piece of your self care routine is NOT using facemasks, NOT increasing general hygiene, NOT regular teeth brushing, NOT wiping thoroughly, but rather just: trying harder to NOT be a Piece of Shit. JFC. It’s not that hard (neither the process nor the shit itself!)

Don’t Tell Prof. Reich: Capitalism is Only Okay When I’m Fucking a Hot Capitalist

If my Wealth and Poverty class has taught me anything, it’s that capitalism sucks and we should have all sucked Karl Marx’s dick when we had the chance. For the most part, I’m in total agreement, but it’s just so hard to hate capitalism when I’m gettin’ it good from a straight-neck, Patagonia-wearing, ripping-hot motherfucker on the Haas-to-heathen pipeline. 

How to Care About the Environment Even Though CNR Kids Are Really Fucking Annoying

The world is ending. Fires are swallowing California faster than a freshman with New Amsterdam. Hurricanes are violently pissing on the country like a drunken fraternity pledge looking for his Clark Kerr bathroom. The arctic ice sheet is melting faster than the ice in your faux-compostable-plastic cup from Strada. Naturally, you want to care.

No. You do care. 

But alas, it’s really fucking hard to care with these “environmental kids” who won’t shut up about rock climbing at Bridges Gym, Robert Reich being “Daddy,” CNR having “great advising,” and how “easy” it would be for everyone in the world to just go vegan. 

20 Signs Your Berkeley Boyfriend Jerks Off to a Picture of Elon Musk

This is a serious diagnosis, and we want to give you all the help you need in discovering what he may be doing behind closed doors. You’re sexy and all, but you have to be honest with yourself – there are just some other things that get him off. Here’s a few signs that one of those things is our favorite tech mogul asswad, Elon Musk: 

1. He is male
2. He is a white male
3. He is a straight white male