SAN FRANCISCO — Nationwide, college students home for the holidays have dared to attempt one of the bravest and horniest activities known to humankind. Psychologists …
‘I’m Giving Giving Tree,’ Says the Giving Tree Who’s a Tree That’s Giving, Giving Tree, Giving Giving, Giving Giving Tree, and Also Giving Giving Giving Tree
BERKELEY, Calif. — Authorities at UC Berkeley distributed reports this past Sunday of a tree that was reportedly a giving tree who was a tree …
Rodgers’ Legacy Almost Complete: QB Throws Tantrums, Misinformation, but No Complete Passes
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recent publicity stunt, infamous Cal quarterback Chase Garbers, came searingly close to mimicking Cal football alum (’04) and Greenbay Packers …
Professor Crawls Out of His Own Asshole to Hold Your Midterm a Day After Halloween
BERKELEY, Calif. – For the majority of mischievous adult adolescents far and wide, the final days of October are a time for using silly brainiac …
Society Finally Sexualizing Asian Men Due to Fictional Game Where They All End Up Dead
LOS ANGELES — Thanks to the sensational worldwide Netflix hit Squid Game, our society has completed a full 180, effectively putting an end to the …
Three Minutes Added to Berkeley Time for Untangling Headphones
BERKELEY, Calif — The UC Berkeley administration took a historic leap this Monday, announcing a new policy in the age of Zoom-school: “Berkeley Time,” Berkeley’s …
Berkeley Student Well-Being Emails to Remind You That You Are a Piece of Shit
New this week: Why Being Not a Fucking Piece of Shit Is the Latest Self-Care Trend
Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “Wow, I’m a Piece of Shit!”? Well, we experts at Berkeley Student Well-Being know. We’re here to tell you that that one missing piece of your self care routine is NOT using facemasks, NOT increasing general hygiene, NOT regular teeth brushing, NOT wiping thoroughly, but rather just: trying harder to NOT be a Piece of Shit. JFC. It’s not that hard (neither the process nor the shit itself!)
Don’t Tell Prof. Reich: Capitalism is Only Okay When I’m Fucking a Hot Capitalist
If my Wealth and Poverty class has taught me anything, it’s that capitalism sucks and we should have all sucked Karl Marx’s dick when we had the chance. For the most part, I’m in total agreement, but it’s just so hard to hate capitalism when I’m gettin’ it good from a straight-neck, Patagonia-wearing, ripping-hot motherfucker on the Haas-to-heathen pipeline.
How to Care About the Environment Even Though CNR Kids Are Really Fucking Annoying
The world is ending. Fires are swallowing California faster than a freshman with New Amsterdam. Hurricanes are violently pissing on the country like a drunken fraternity pledge looking for his Clark Kerr bathroom. The arctic ice sheet is melting faster than the ice in your faux-compostable-plastic cup from Strada. Naturally, you want to care.
No. You do care.
But alas, it’s really fucking hard to care with these “environmental kids” who won’t shut up about rock climbing at Bridges Gym, Robert Reich being “Daddy,” CNR having “great advising,” and how “easy” it would be for everyone in the world to just go vegan.
Cal Greeks Lament Vaccines for Making Frat Parties Safer
Though recent vaccinations have catapulted Southside Berkeley into an era where the phrase “I know a brother” no longer doubles as a form of contact …