Embarrassment is a staple of the Berkeley experience. In this masochistic pursuit of my bachelor’s degree, I can claim no shortage of humiliating moments. One …
Pope Admits He Could Kiss a Man, But Never Date One
VATICAN CITY –– For the first time in its centuries-old history, the Vatican’s top dog is leading the Roman Catholic Church in what some call …
New Telegraph Establishment to Sell Experimental Drink ‘Boba’
Berkeley, Calif. –– Telegraph Avenue is no stranger to a continuous turnover of culinary businesses trying to balance extravagant commercial rent and an irritating, bookwormy …
SCOTUS Clarifies ‘Affirmative Action Still Constitutional for White Kids’
WASHINGTON, DC. — Following this morning’s Supreme Court ruling which declared the practice of race-conscious admissions unconstitutional, Chief Justice John Roberts emerged from his chamber …
Out-of-State Student Declares Bankruptcy Instead of Major
BERKELEY, Calif. – Sophomore Bridget Martin wanted to be a computer science major, but due to the high tuition costs for out-of-state students, she has …
Study Finds Most Successful Berkeley Student Just Robot With No Emotions, Hobbies, Family, Friends, Desires, Trauma, Opinions, or Values
BERKELEY, Calif. – Professors in UC Berkeley’s Department of Psychology appeared flabbergasted this past week when results of their research on characteristic success of Berkeley …
University Bans Electric Skateboards and Scooters Due to “Excessively Annoying Vibes”
“Due to an abundance of excessively annoying vibes, and incidents of lesser importance like civilian deaths, use of the following is henceforth banned on campus: electric skateboards, scooters, and any human-operated vehicle that travels at a velocity only appropriate for the German Autobahn,” the Chancellor’s Office announced in their official statement.
Why Convert to Christianity When You Can Worship My Consulting Club?
Sure, Jesus is great and all, but you know what’s even better? Consulting. College can be a tough, sometimes terrifying experience, and when you are …
Aww! Kid Recruiting You on Sproul Can’t Wait to Brutally Reject You
He hands you a flier as you walk unassumingly across Sproul Plaza. He beckons you over to his co-ed business fraternity’s table under their custom-embroidered …
‘I’m Giving Giving Tree,’ Says the Giving Tree Who’s a Tree That’s Giving, Giving Tree, Giving Giving, Giving Giving Tree, and Also Giving Giving Giving Tree
BERKELEY, Calif. — Authorities at UC Berkeley distributed reports this past Sunday of a tree that was reportedly a giving tree who was a tree …