BERKELEY, Calif. – Sophomore Bridget Martin wanted to be a computer science major, but due to the high tuition costs for out-of-state students, she has …
Study Finds Most Successful Berkeley Student Just Robot With No Emotions, Hobbies, Family, Friends, Desires, Trauma, Opinions, or Values
BERKELEY, Calif. – Professors in UC Berkeley’s Department of Psychology appeared flabbergasted this past week when results of their research on characteristic success of Berkeley …
University Bans Electric Skateboards and Scooters Due to “Excessively Annoying Vibes”
“Due to an abundance of excessively annoying vibes, and incidents of lesser importance like civilian deaths, use of the following is henceforth banned on campus: electric skateboards, scooters, and any human-operated vehicle that travels at a velocity only appropriate for the German Autobahn,” the Chancellor’s Office announced in their official statement.
Why Convert to Christianity When You Can Worship My Consulting Club?
Sure, Jesus is great and all, but you know what’s even better? Consulting. College can be a tough, sometimes terrifying experience, and when you are …
Aww! Kid Recruiting You on Sproul Can’t Wait to Brutally Reject You
He hands you a flier as you walk unassumingly across Sproul Plaza. He beckons you over to his co-ed business fraternity’s table under their custom-embroidered …
‘I’m Giving Giving Tree,’ Says the Giving Tree Who’s a Tree That’s Giving, Giving Tree, Giving Giving, Giving Giving Tree, and Also Giving Giving Giving Tree
BERKELEY, Calif. — Authorities at UC Berkeley distributed reports this past Sunday of a tree that was reportedly a giving tree who was a tree …
Rodgers’ Legacy Almost Complete: QB Throws Tantrums, Misinformation, but No Complete Passes
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recent publicity stunt, infamous Cal quarterback Chase Garbers, came searingly close to mimicking Cal football alum (’04) and Greenbay Packers …
Professor Crawls Out of His Own Asshole to Hold Your Midterm a Day After Halloween
BERKELEY, Calif. – For the majority of mischievous adult adolescents far and wide, the final days of October are a time for using silly brainiac …
Three Minutes Added to Berkeley Time for Untangling Headphones
BERKELEY, Calif — The UC Berkeley administration took a historic leap this Monday, announcing a new policy in the age of Zoom-school: “Berkeley Time,” Berkeley’s …
How to Care About the Environment Even Though CNR Kids Are Really Fucking Annoying
The world is ending. Fires are swallowing California faster than a freshman with New Amsterdam. Hurricanes are violently pissing on the country like a drunken fraternity pledge looking for his Clark Kerr bathroom. The arctic ice sheet is melting faster than the ice in your faux-compostable-plastic cup from Strada. Naturally, you want to care.
No. You do care.
But alas, it’s really fucking hard to care with these “environmental kids” who won’t shut up about rock climbing at Bridges Gym, Robert Reich being “Daddy,” CNR having “great advising,” and how “easy” it would be for everyone in the world to just go vegan.