The Free Peach

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden’s ‘tough-on-crime’ record took a major gobbling this past week when ‘Chocolate’—turkey and convicted murderer—massacred twelve civilians in an Anacostia Park attack just 24 hours after receiving a presidential pardon.

“In my thirty-five years of committing horrific injustices, I have never seen an injustice this horrific,” opined Police Chief Rubnock P. Postlethwaite of Brook County, South Dakota (which is hundreds of miles away from Washington D.C. and has no connection to the mass homicide incident). “Honestly, my heart goes out to the families. No turkey should be allowed to go around murdering civilians like that. That’s the job of trained law enforcement.” 

Many blame President Biden for the deaths of the twelve park goers and for the recent Morbillion percent increase in violent crime.*

“If Joe Antifa hadn’t pardoned that turkey, those twelve God-fearing Americans would still be alive today,” declared Florida governor Ron DeSantis in a public press conference immediately after the attack. “I am outraged, I am devastated, but above all else I am disgusted by the pro-crime Demon-crats—”

—At this comment, DeSantis’s entire audience of fifty to eighty-year-old Caucasian adults erupted in insatiable laughter—

“—yes, Demon-crats, I came up with that myself”—DeSantis continued—“who have turned this once glorious nation into a hellscape of murder and violence. Which is why I will immediately be arresting all nonviolent drug offenders in the state. While the streets run red with blood, I simply cannot tolerate the hubris of those who insist on committing their crimes peacefully.”

President Biden has issued a formal response to the allegations of impropriety.

“To those who believe my actions in this circumstance were wrong or misguided: I see you, I hear you, and I don’t care,” Biden announced while donning a pair of aviator glasses and licking a chocolate chip ice cream cone. “For years, the Republicans have tried to paint me as some kind of ridiculous, pro-Antifa, pro-crime supervillain, and let me tell you—they’re absolutely right. Every crime you have ever experienced in the past fifty years was a direct result of my actions. That time your laptop was stolen when you left it unattended for five minutes at Strada? Me. That dorm break-in that resulted in all your walls getting spray-painted with dick pics? Me. That racist 1994 crime bill that disproportionately targeted minority communities? Also me—but it was all part of my grand plan to increase crime by furthering the socioeconomic conditions that cause it. The truth is, I have always been firmly in the pocket of Big Crime. It feels so liberating to finally admit it!”

Upon being asked whether he would be pursuing new criminal charges against the turkey following the mass murder event, Biden said: “Well of course I will. But then I’ll pardon him again, and maybe even hold a celebration in his honor, just to fuck with you. Gobble gobble these nuts, motherfuckers!!!”

At press time, GOP leaders had stopped advocating for the turkey’s execution and had started vaguely uttering the phrase “mental health” after learning that the turkey was affiliated with a far-right paramilitary group (‘The Boogaloo Birdz’).

*Although some might say that violent crime in the United States has decreased dramatically over the past several years, the number of murders in Anacostia Park between yesterday and today has risen from 0 to 12, which is an increase so great that it can’t even be quantified as a percent. Hence the “Morbillion percent increase in violent crime.”