BERKELEY, Calif. – Jesus Christ (relation to Carol Christ unknown) was denied entry into Moffitt Library this past Thursday for not possessing a student ID.
“Here I am, the Savior, King of Kings, Shepherd and Bishop of Souls, Alpha and Omega, Son of God, blah, blah, blah, and they seriously won’t let me in without an ID? Whatever happened to nepotism?” said a dismayed Jesus. “I tried performing some miracles to charm my way in, but that still wasn’t enough. I turned this guy’s water into wine and all he said was that he would have preferred Tito’s. It was like 11:00 am, what is wrong with you people?”
When asked to comment on their stringent policy adherence, student library employee Lilah Brary had much to say.
“Restricting access to library resources in any way, even something as menial as showing an ID, is an affront to the pursuit of public knowledge,” said Brary. “If it were up to me, the library would be a shared community space, its freedom of access upheld by the University where everyone is welcome. Actually, wait. I take that back, maybe not everyone.” When asked to elaborate, Brary refused, stating she would rather let certain individuals speak for themselves.
Oski the Bear, who was high-stepping his way into the nightmares of nearby freshmen, reached out to comment on the recent events.
“Look, I may not be in great standing with the Big G, I mean we all got some repenting to do, but I’m on Jesus’ side on this one,” Oski reported, clearly irritated. “I’m literally the mascot, the animal manifestation of this school. Why do I need an ID? Who even has the authority to give me an ID? The little tyrants at the Moffitt front desk always tell me, ‘Sorry, Oski, I can’t let you in without an ID, it’s campus policy,’ and ask dumbass questions like, ‘Oh my god, are you drunk?’” When asked if he was, in fact, intoxicated, Oski responded belligerently, “That’s none of your damn business. DON’T YOU REALIZE WHO YOU’RE TALKING TO? I SWEAR, YOU PEOPLE—”
At press time, Jesus was seen working on an Econ problem set in Doe Library.