BERKELEY, Calif. – U.C. Berkeley senior Kendra Paltrow (no relation) has changed a lot since Freshman year. She’s picked up meditation, no longer cuts her own bangs, and the whole “tapeworm thing” is mostly behind her (no pun intended). However, Paltrow may be working on herself for someone else. 

Speaking with Paltrow during one of her classes at Cyclebar Berkeley, she shared a bit about the thought process behind her sudden transformation. “My new era started here, in Cyclebar Berkeley. I came in one day and boom! There’s Jason from Hinge. What was he doing here?” she laughed. “I mean sure, he had mentioned in his profile that he worked here, but it’s not like the Cyclebar website says when individual Cyclegurus are working. I barely even know what a website is!” When asked why Paltrow had been spotted approaching students about study groups on Sproul, she mentioned “I knew you’d ask about that! When Jason mentioned how he was really into new wave spirituality, I thought ‘what a coincidence! I’ve been meaning to join that cult that keeps keying my car.” Paltrow jumped off her bike after a record three minutes, exclaiming “at some point it just hit me. I needed to change my life for Jason… Me. When I said Jason just now what I meant was me.” 

While Paltrow is hopeful about the longevity of her new healthy lifestyle, some of Paltrow’s friends wonder if she’s doing it for the right reasons.

“I just think it’s funny,” began Paltrow’s friend Kellie Kardashian (also, believe it or not, no relation) “that every time she changes something about herself she updates her Hinge and finds a way to mention it.” Kardashian, pulling out her phone, showed us the account in question. “So Kendra starts doing yoga in the morning. And then all of a sudden, boom, under the prompt ‘The dorkiest thing about me is’ she writes: ‘I start every day with yoga’. That has to be the exact opposite of a ‘dorky’ thing – Bella Hadid probably starts every day with yoga.” 

Paltrow’s roommate Kavin Spacey (okay, somebody’s gotta be pulling my leg here) also weighed in. “Before Kendra saw that Jason had broken up with his longtime girlfriend from back home, I saw her wash her face maybe once. She now owns a gua sha stone and won’t shut up about it.”

Jason Weinstein (wait guys… we’re seriously concerned that there actually is a relation here) declined to comment.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.