Mercury is in Retrograde, Which is Why You’ve Been A Piece of Shit For 21 Years

People across the nation are losing their shit.

“During retrograde, a lot of our everyday communication is disrupted,”  explained Tigerlily Adams, caucasian yoga instructor and probable anti-vaxxer. “Like, when this undercover cop asked me if I sold shrooms to college kids, I assumed he was in college because that guy looked like a fucking virgin, so I said yes.” Tigerlily is currently under arrest for distribution of drugs to minors, but Tigerlily said “that’s just the way retrograde goes.”