BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley junior Gabby Turner had been feeling a little off recently, but she had yet to receive an adequate diagnosis for her ailments. 

“Oh I had assumed it was the 5 day bender/nicotine withdrawals/period cramps/general mental health, but then I checked TikTok and saw that Mercury was in retrograde!” Turner told her 12 followers on Twitter. “That’s why I left my used tampons in his mailbox last night!” 

Gabby isn’t alone; people across the nation are losing their shit.

“During retrograde, a lot of our everyday communication is disrupted,”  explained Tigerlily Adams, caucasian yoga instructor and probable anti-vaxxer. “Like, when this undercover cop asked me if I sold shrooms to college kids, I assumed he was in college because that guy looked like a fucking virgin, so I said yes.” Tigerlily is currently under arrest for distribution of drugs to minors, but Tigerlily said “that’s just the way retrograde goes.”

Tigerlily is living out the best case scenario, experts say.

“Individuals and institutions across the nation are crumbling,” explained UC Berkeley Psychology Professor Anastasia Butler. “The government finally just started printing more money against the warnings of those dumbfuck econ majors, but inflation is through the roof. Money is meaningless. Society is spiraling into collapse. We may be returning to a hunter/gatherer/bartering civilization. Although it’s concerning, the White House Briefing for this natural disaster affecting millions is just to, like, ‘check your Co-Star and stop manifesting negativity.’”

Butler’s colleagues have also attributed UFO sightings, the collapse of the Roman Empire, and your parents asking you what your plans are after graduation to Mercury in retrograde. Stay safe.

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