BERKELEY, Calif. — A new study put out by the UC Berkeley Department of Public Health has determined that despite what your bitchy roomate has been telling you all year, you should  be licking your Pink Himalayan salt lamp from TJ Maxx with both frequency and vigor. 

Charlie Limpond, a PhD candidate who worked on the study, told reporters, “While salt lamp manufacturers in the past have made amusing remarks that ‘lamps are not food’ and ‘the manufacturing process causes this product to be unsafe for human consumption,’ our new study confirms that we are way smarter, and probably way sexier, than any of those sons of bitches.”

Some contrarians have opposed the study by claiming that harmful chemicals may be present in the materials used to make salt lamps and that consuming said chemicals (even just through the occasional lick) could cause major health issues. Researchers responded by explaining to these so-called ‘experts’ that salt is actually food, so if lamps are salt and salt is food then lamps are food. It’s simple really.

The study is particularly interesting for students living on campus meal plans. One such student, Grace Lanshews, spoke about her experience: “Over the course of the semester I’ve found that if I lick my lamp between bites of my dinner from Cafe 3, it becomes almost edible. It’s a habit now to take my food in a to-go box specifically for the purpose of using my salt lamp for seasoning. Sometimes, when I’m feeling lazy,  I  just take a couple of hefty licks as my afternoon snack and it really hits the spot.” 

Researchers also explained that licking one’s salt lamp frequently, at a rate of approximately 3 times per day, will help the lamp to last longer. Undergrad research assistant Penelope Pinilipe explained this phenomenon: “The natural enzymes in your spit interact with the salt to actually prevent the lamp from shrinking, as they often do as a result of the natural moisture in the air. It not only stops your lamp from withering away, but puts a stop to the epidemic of salty air that plagues salt lamp owners. I didn’t actually totally get the science behind how this works, but the other researchers all seem really cool and confident, so I didn’t wanna look stupid by asking.” 

Out of the total sample size of 45 salt-lamp owners, only 3 were victims of accidental electrocution from the licking of an electrical appliance. Those are damn good odds.

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