BERKELEY, Calif. – Berkeley Public Health Professor Claudine Din made shockwaves last week when her newly published study concluded that not posting an end of semester photo dump on the popular social media app Instagram positively correlates with being a fucking loser.
“This is an absolutely stunning discovery to add to the pantheon of research in the modern age,” Din stated. “While this might have been something that was intuitive, it was truly eye opening to see a concrete association between being a socially inept, uninteresting, unappealing, isolated, lonely individual and lacking a photo dump. In this digital era, it’s interesting to see the implications of such a socially defining phenomenon, you know, where it’s really obvious that one has no life, no appeal to those around them, and couldn’t even snag that invite to the late night donut run all their other ‘friends’ went on.”
Lorn Lee, a case study individual who participated in this study, shed some light on his own personal experience with this phenomenon.
“I didn’t really think it was that big of a deal but when the end of the semester came I realized I hadn’t actually made as many impactful memories as I had thought… like I scrolled through my camera roll and there was nothing. Literally just a photo of my GSI’s handwriting which he later asked me to delete for ‘personal reasons.’ But yeah, participating in this study really made me face some harsh truths, mainly that I might potentially be a totally unlikeable person. All of a sudden, it’s like I can’t even remember the last time someone acknowledged my presence. Last week, I stepped in front of a scooter just to feel something. The scooter ended up repelling from me, like it was physically disgusted by my presence, and caused a four person pileup.”
Lorn Lee declined further questioning about the long term psychological effects of the study, but would like to advertise his complete and total availability for plans “anytime, anywhere, please, I’m begging, I’m so close to resorting to Tinder for Friends.”
Professor Din advises that students looking to avoid this public health crisis start taking preventative measures as early as possible. With the end of the semester drawing nearer, she recommends engaging in the lively social scene of Berkeley, documenting your experiences, and stop being a fucking loser.