If you’ve been subject to strange weather reports warning of an impending snowstorm barraging locals with a flurry of white flakes, my bad!
Forget the Seals: Stepping on UC Berkeley Campus Guarantees No Bitches
BERKELEY, Calif. – Students at UC Berkeley may have heard of the long standing superstitions about stepping on campus seals, but a recent groundbreaking study has uncovered the unfortunate effects of stepping on campus in general.
Head researcher, Lenny Munch, relays his team’s findings stating, “At first, we thought it was an unfortunate coincidence. There was nothing to suggest an underlying cause for Berkeley students to be, erm, unsuccessful in their romantic pursuits (besides the usual factors of bad hygiene, commitment issues, superiority complexes, crippling low self esteem — all things very natural and common for these students) but my! A little bit of creative investigation and wow, you really get a sense of what’s going on here, which is that absolutely nobody has got it going on. Put pejoratively, what a school of lonely bastards! What we uncovered is a strong, positive correlation definitively proving that being on this campus greatly depletes your ability to engage in non reproductive copulation, or any sort of copulation! And the most pressing discovery is that it’s unavoidable, even simply getting on campus means not getting off!
Berkeley’s Hottest New Indie Band Actually Just MacBook Overheating
“It’s hard to describe. It’s just so ethereal. But I think it’s because she seems to come from this great line of independent, vanguard artists who exist at the forefront of experimental music. I can’t really do it justice but I’d say it’s like Gorillaz if Damon Albarn was a sensitive English major from Canada. So Grimes I guess, but more tinged with the concussive moodiness of Aphex Twin and the hypnotic transcendent quality of say, Tame Impala (which, if you didn’t know, is also a one person band). You’ve probably never even heard of half these artists, but trust– if you knew them, you’d get it. Maybe if more people actually grew up and developed their music taste instead of listening to whatever Spotify puts on their Top 100 playlist, then artistry like that wouldn’t go under appreciated. But continue supporting your industry plants or whatever.”
Lack of End-Of-Semester Photo Dump Positively Correlated With Being a Fucking Loser
“While this might have been something that was intuitive, it was truly eye opening to see a concrete association between being a socially inept, uninteresting, unappealing, isolated, lonely individual and lacking a photo dump.”