SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. – As COVID continues to confound doctors and ravage the nation, experts at the University of California, San Francisco have begun to test unconventional means for curing the disease.
“The human body responds to SARS-CoV-2 in unexpected and confounding ways. As such, it’s been difficult to contain the virus’ effect on patients. My team, however, has a theory,” Dr. Ruth Tyrannosaurus (no relation) explained at a recent virtual conference. “Y’know those little pills they have at the grocery store? They’re the ones they have at literally every single Safeway. Well, current literature suggests that they have dinosaurs inside. Dinosaurs! Wild! Anyway we think it would be fun to try and use that for COVID relief.”
The trial has made waves in the medical community.
“We thought we had tried everything: Flintstones Chewable Vitamins, Mommy Milk™, and even saying ‘Here comes the airplane!’ while administering high-dose corticosteroids!” lamented Dr. Michael McStuffins of Zuckerberg General Hospital. “But this? This is a game-changer. It’s widely believed that dinosaurs didn’t have COVID, so it’s entirely possible that they would help our immune systems fight the virus. I, for one, am hoping for a stegosaurus in my tummy.”
As news spreads of the trial, dinosaur pill availability grows scarce.
“So what if we’re selling it for $3,100 per pill? The market wants what the market wants, toots,” reported Peanut Pharmaceuticals CEO Charles Peanut to the waitress serving him at Hooters. “We see an opportunity, we take it. Hell, the Chicago Natural History Museum paid $8 million for a T. Rex, so as far as I’m concerned, we’re giving the people a big discount.”
At press time, the FDA has announced that it is naptime and we should all make some big sleeps before further discussion.