UC Berkeley Police Department 

Please note this message definitely contains information. I mean like, we’re using italics. You know shit’s serious when an email starts with italics.

On every day this semester, a robbery occurred at every place a Berkeley student was. After promising a hybrid semester repeatedly in June and July, 31,780 students were robbed of a normal semester and given no discount on tuition fees. It has been reported that approximately $44,000 to $66,000 was stolen from all of these students. 

Did you know that we use italics and bold font in each of our emails? And people say we have a diversity problem. 

If you have any information about this recent crime, please contact us. LIKE PLEASE. With all the emails we’ve been sending lately we look super bad right now and we just found out Shawn Spencer isn’t actually psychic. Please Contact:

University of California Police Department at

(555) 420-6969 (Available 24 hours a day 7 days a week for you baby ;).

Marc Fisher is in charge of our hotline. Based on how much he emails everyone, he is clearly very lonely. If you’re bored, or disappointed the BearWalk guy wasn’t even that cute, give him a call. His night light is broken, and he wants to hear someone’s voice to feel safe. 

Here’s some more bold font because Zebra’s are the department’s favorite animal. There are some safety tips below to not get your tuition stolen from you next semester.

  • Wear a mask showing minimal mask cleavage. I know you want to impress all the people with chiseled face shields out there, but safety comes first. 
  • We would like to apologize for our above message. As a department we do not support mask shaming in any way. That being said, please wear a mask because we all  miss not being able to find a seat in Moffit. Buzz Buzz. 
  • You can withdraw from UCB for a semester so your tuition will be worth it when the world is semi-normal again. If you live on Warring Street please feel free to withdraw! 

In case—  omg, sorry. Like seriously, why is there so much bold font? Whose fifth grade son formats these emails and why can’t they just use paragraphs like a normal person?

In case of injury please consider going to Oregon and using heroin because it’s decriminalized there and will make the pain go away. 

Additionally, there’s a guy on Telegraph who channels the power of Jesus as well if you’re looking for spiritual healing. 

You can also go to the Tang Center. Just when you thought there wouldn’t be any more weird formatting we proved you wrong. 

For more information regarding resources for victims of crime please refer to the UCPD Berkeley Resource Guide. Yes, you are correct, we write in bold and italics at the end of each of our emails. Like seriously, check the UCPD emails. They do this every time. Luckily for you, Berkeley has a great optometry clinic that you can go to to heal your eyes. Oh wait, learning is remote and you’re probably not near campus. Nevermind.

Carol Christ, please give us some of our tuition back. 

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