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Month: November 2020

Posted on November 29, 2020May 13, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

We Sat Down with Judith Butler and Didn’t Understand a Goddamn Word They Said

The Free Peach: Thank you so much for talking with us. Judith Butler: Of course, the speaking of which we speak is the fundamental speaking …

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Posted on November 25, 2020May 13, 2021 by: Bernard Chan

Gobble, Gobble: 3 Ways to Make it Clear That You Eat Ass at Your Thanksgiving Family Dinner Table

Buckle up, Thanksgiving season is here, which means it’s that time of the year where you get to sit down and get down and dirty …

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Posted on November 24, 2020September 11, 2021 by: anniebushh

Opinion: Berkeley High Must Return To In-Person Instruction Because the Cool 10th Graders Hanging On Telegraph Are Making Me Insecure

As I’m sure many are aware, the number of coronavirus cases in California has reached an unprecedented level of severity, warranting a government-mandated curfew and …

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Posted on November 21, 2020September 22, 2021 by: jokimg

UC Berkeley Gives Alleged Sexual Assailants Priority Registration Because They’d Do the Same If It Was Their Son

BERKELEY, Calif. – Following revelations about multiple sexual assault allegations, UC Berkeley officials announced that sexual perpetrators would receive priority registration because they’d “do the …

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Posted on November 19, 2020May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Study Finds Oski Just Guy in Suit

BERKELEY, Calif. – Researchers at the University of California were shocked to find the dark truth about their beloved mascot. “We had always assumed Oski …

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Posted on November 18, 2020September 11, 2021 by: lyamashir01

Tell Us Your Professor’s Zoom Background and We’ll Tell You What Dry Grocery Makes Them Cry For Their Youth

On Zoom, some professors sport a blazer and some appear each morning as though they just shoved their head into a blender and awoke from …

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Posted on November 17, 2020May 13, 2021 by: Abby Fisher

Risky! Frat Bro Decides to Invest in Pfizer Despite Warnings From His Right-Wing Facebook Group

BERKELEY, Calif. –  Following their recent vaccine announcement, FIJI brother Brandon Dix took a risk and invested in Pfizer despite the various warnings and conspiracies …

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Posted on November 16, 2020September 11, 2021 by: anniebushh

Local Man Changes Room’s LED Light Strip From Purple to Red, Still Gets No Pussy

BERKELEY, Calif. – This Saturday, Berkeley resident and T*ry L*nez advocate Ethan Stites made a decision worth celebrating. In a groundbreaking move deemed worthy of …

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Posted on November 14, 2020May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

UCSF Begins COVID Drug Trial With Those Pills That Turn Into Dinosaurs in Water

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. – As COVID continues to confound doctors and ravage the nation, experts at the University of California, San Francisco have begun to …

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Posted on November 13, 2020May 6, 2021 by: Tyler Goldstein

Crime Reported: 31,000 Students Robbed of In Person Semester

UC Berkeley Police Department  Please note this message definitely contains information. I mean like, we’re using italics. You know shit’s serious when an email starts …

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