BERKELEY, Calif. –  Following their recent vaccine announcement, FIJI brother Brandon Dix took a risk and invested in Pfizer despite the various warnings and conspiracies on his Facebook timeline.

“I haven’t been blinded by the lying media, so I know that the vaccine is bullshit. But I also know a good investment when I see one,” he stated. “Lots of Americans think that the vaccine is a good thing, so Pfizer is gonna be huge. But it’s honestly embarrassing how easily manipulated these people are, just believing everything they see on the news. They need to wake up and realize that the vaccine is actually a government scam that’s been created to control us, and I know that because it said so on my ‘White Lives Matter’ Facebook group.”

After commenting, “Hey lol,” on Charli D’Amelio’s Instagram post and only pretending to delete it when his friend reminded him she’s a minor, Dix continued on.

“First quarantine, then masks – it’s like what is this, America or a tyranny? I have the freedom to refuse a vaccine. My body, my choice,” he declared, adjusting the Trump flag hanging on his wall. “I just have zero respect for a government that refuses to recognize the democratic rights of its citizens.”

Dix isn’t the only one eyeing the market right now. Jackson Fielding, a sophomore who is currently working on his Haas application and making sure everyone knows that, has also chosen to invest in Pfizer. 

“It’s a very sound investment,” said Fielding. “I mean, Pfizer is gonna be sending vaccines out and people will be demanding those babies left and right. And you know how it is with the law of supply and demand,” he chuckled, glancing at a failed Econ quiz sitting on his desk and quickly flipping it over. “Anyways, I haven’t had a ton of time to focus on my investments right now since I’ve been pretty busy working on my Haas application.”

Scam or not, the Pfizer vaccine has been very positively received by college students across the nation, who are reportedly so excited by the prospect of things going back to normal that they’re going out to party and celebrate. 

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