BERKELEY, Calif. – This Saturday, Berkeley resident and T*ry L*nez advocate Ethan Stites made a decision worth celebrating. In a groundbreaking move deemed worthy of multiple Instagram stories, as well as a Reddit post for some reason, Stites changed the strip lighting in his room from its previous regal purple hue to a more sensual red color. As determined from a statement issued late Saturday night via Snapchat, Stites appeared to believe the change would entice potential lovers to come into the revitalized apartment – several red-tinted videos panning over an unmade bunk bed, four bongs, and a poorly-mounted TV playing Tame Impala captioned “This vibe>>>>>>” were posted to Stites’ story as well as sent to twelve women and two of The Boys.
However, the glow of accomplishment wore thin quickly – Monday, Stites added another series of snaps to his story. Claiming to be “fed up” with the “lack of hot girls in the Bay Area,” Stites decided to “take a social media break,” and implored his “close friends” to “hit [him] up” on his cell phone if they felt the absolute need to contact him.
In a recent interview, Stites attested to the fact that his break from social media was “much needed,” citing that there is a “lot of hate in this world, especially on social media,” and that “it doesn’t matter how hard someone tries to communicate their vibe – it won’t matter because every female these days is just concerned with how they look online. It’s just so f-cked up.” When questioned further about his take on feminine social media presence, Ethan declined any further comment, and added that anyone wishing to contact him must be “ready to vibe on the same wavelength.”
Stites’ roommate, on the other hand, was eager to share his take on Stites’ lighting change and subsequent social media break: “Someone please get this man laid. If I hear him quote one more Future lyric I might set fire to this apartment and I’m not even kidding.”
***The Free Peach does not endorse sexual intercourse with someone of questionable STD status. Please get tested.