[THE 4TH CIRCLE OF HELL, BERKELEY Calif] – Passerbys were stunned earlier today as Haas freshman James “Money Man” Niani stood motionless outside a stunning …
Haas Students at Cafe Think Not Doing Any of That
BERKELEY, Calif. – After a hard day of scrolling Instagram reels, learning multiplication tables, and saying “synergy,” Haas students astounded the rest of the Berkeley …
Haas Student Disappointed to Learn “Appreciating Assets” Isn’t Just Liking Bikini Pictures on Instagram
BERKELEY, Calif.– In UGBA 135, Business Administration sophomore and “Tycoon Consulting” social chair Jake Thompson was seen falling to his knees in Chou Hall after …
Representation Matters! CEO of ‘War Crimes Inc.’ in Problem Set Question is a Woman
BERKELEY, Calif. – Students in a Haas financial accounting class were assigned what seemed to be a typical problem set for homework. However, in a …
‘It’s Not You, It’s Me,’ Says Doe Library Lamp to Any Charger in Existence Attempting to Plug In
“It’s not you, it’s me,” stated the Doe lamp. “We just don’t fit together. I’m never going to change, even if it would make the lives of thousands of students much easier.”
Groundbreaking! Shovels
“We’re leveraging the potential of shovels in a way that’s never been done before,” said Diggs, his eyes gleaming with the light of a thousand PowerPoint presentations. “Our innovative approach will create unparalleled value for our customers while disrupting the traditional shovel market.”
‘At Least I’m Not a Business Major’ Says Econ Major Who Also Sucks
“I mean, obviously business majors are a menace to society but Joseph is also one of the biggest douchebags I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting. One time he tried to correct the professor by standing up in the middle of class and saying that we should tax the rich less because they’re smarter,” stated Smith’s classmate Cecilia Su. “We weren’t even talking about taxes either. It was super awkward because no one acknowledged him and he also wouldn’t sit back down.”
Haas Student Wearing Everyday Outfit Wins Contest for ‘Best Bloodsucking Parasite’ Costume
BERKELEY, Calif. – At an ASUC Superb event this weekend, undergraduate business student Michael Kochnoffer took home the grand prize in a Halloween costume contest …
BREAKING: River Of Scum Oozes Out of Haas Business School (Also, Water Line Broke)
BERKELEY, Calif.–On Monday, Berkeley students found themselves in an unfortunate predicament: an enormous flood of shit, normally contained within the delicate, expensive doors of the …
New Year’s Resolutions For Each Major
As we reflect on how we can be better in 2022 (which wouldn’t be hard considering the pieces of shit we collectively were in 2021), …