BERKELEY, Calif.– In UGBA 135, Business Administration sophomore and “Tycoon Consulting” social chair Jake Thompson was seen falling to his knees in Chou Hall after discovering that “appreciating assets” is not, in fact, the act of scrolling through social media and liking bikini photos.
“I was so hyped when I saw today’s lecture topic,” Thompson said, looking visibly shaken. “I DM so many Instagram models and leave so many fire emojis under all their posts, that I consider myself an expert on the topic of ogling the female body. I was so confident that I actually showed up to class for once, instead of having the pledges fill out the attendance form for me. But after learning the truth… it’s been so crushing. I’m going to need a drink– or two, or three, to recover from this, bro.”
Thompson claims his worldview was shattered during the professor’s lecture on financial principles when the concept of asset appreciation was introduced– not in the context of thirst traps– but in real estate, stocks, and bonds.
When asked, Professor Moe Monie recalled, “As I explained index funds and the importance of ‘beating the curve,’ Jake interrupted by raising his hand to announce, ‘No one can beat @gingerdoll_99’s curves.’ Never in my 26 years at Cal have I ever considered quitting my job until now.”
Despite the setback, Thompson seems to be already gearing up for next week’s topic on “diversifying one’s portfolio.”
“It’s all cool,” Thompson said, with renewed enthusiasm. “I’m a lot more ready for next week’s class. I’m really knowledgeable about the concept of diversification. I date both blondes and brunettes, so I’m way ahead of the class.”
Following up with Thompson after the first midterm, he claimed that after conducting a thorough “risk management analysis,” he had decided to late-drop the course.