As we reflect on how we can be better in 2022 (which wouldn’t be hard considering the pieces of shit we collectively were in 2021), let’s provide some constructive criticism on how each major individually could be better.

  1. Haas

1a. Feel empathy for another human being without the help of shrooms

1b. Stop bringing up how life changing your shrooms trip was. 

1c. We get it! You saw God!

  1. EECS

Don’t talk about your starting salary and/or signing bonus. We know it’s hard, but consider fucking yourself instead.

  1. Economics

Get a real major — we know you suck at making decisions. You’re a double major for a reason.

  1. English

Don’t get that tattoo. You know which one we’re talking about. Hey— hey! Look at me when I’m talking to you. Put down the stick-and-poke set and read your Didion already. 

  1. Political Science

Find a backup plan for law school. We’re not saying you can’t get in, but we are saying you probably won’t get in. 

  1. Film

Stop trying to make us watch Twin Peaks.

  1. Psychology

Book an appointment with a psychologist and stop trying to self-diagnose yourself with Google quizzes.

  1. MCB

Find friends outside your research group. Also, stop talking about your research. Also, fuck it, stop doing research. Overall, research is not a personality trait.

  1. Any Other Major

Maybe you didn’t make much of an impression this year. Stop being so boring, for fuck’s sake.

Image courtesy of EducationUSA.

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