YOUR CITY, Your State – According to reports from minors across the globe, holiday cheer wasn’t the only thing being spread this Christmas Eve. Sources describe a jolly, bearded, elderly man dressed in a red hat, red coat, and red gloves who went from house to house infecting children with the SARS-CoV-2 virus.
“[The unidentified intruder] broke into my home, ate my cookies, drank my milk, kissed my mom, and HO-HO-HOed all over my face before sticking a lump of coal in my stocking,” said eleven-year-old Janie Bright before collapsing into a coughing fit. “He vanished up the chimney before I could ask him his name, and the next morning I tested positive for COVID-19. Honestly, this has got to be the worst Christmas Eve ever.”
Children of all ages have expressed similar frustration with the antics of the mysterious Christmas Eve super spreader.
“I can’t believe [the unidentified intruder] just walked in and gave me a whole new COVID variant to deal with,” said seventy-nine-year-old Joseph ‘Joe’ Biden. “Now I have to worry about this ‘Omicron’ outbreak along with those Kentucky tornadoes and all that student loan debt I’m never going to forgive. Also, I’m pretty sure the Grinch stole my infrastructure bill.”
The sudden influx of COVID diagnoses among the planet’s youth has caught infectious disease experts by surprise. However, scientists urge the public not to worry.
“While the outbreak of a potentially vaccine-resistant variant is certainly concerning, we believe its spread can be mitigated with some simple, common-sense public health measures,” said NIAID Director Anthony Fauci in a Christmas-morning press release. “Namely, the public should avoid contact with children at all costs. As last night’s events have revealed, there is a high likelihood that every child on the surface of the Earth currently has the novel Omicron variant. Parents, please keep your children at least six feet away from you at all times, preferably in a separate room or building. Avoid contagion hot spots like daycares, children’s hospitals, or your family home. If one of your kids attempts to hug – or, God forbid, kiss – you, don’t be afraid to pull out the pepper spray. Remember, you have no idea where that grubby little shit has been.”
The public is advised to stay vigilant and report any sightings of sick children or creepy old men to the CDC immediately.