BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley sophomore Alice Cunningham was disappointed to learn that Christmas was within three days of her upcoming birthday.

“Sometimes, I really wish Jesus was an Aquarius and not a Capricorn, but I guess then he wouldn’t really be a natural born leader like I am,” said Alice. “It’s not fair that I keep getting combined birthday and Christmas gifts, like one gift is for Jesus’ birthday and one’s for mine. They are not that same thing! What are we, poor? If my friends interned at Apple last summer, they could at least manage to get me two gifts. Where are these signing bonuses they keep talking about? And why hasn’t it trickled down to me yet?”

Students in a similar predicament have found other ways to redirect their jealousy. 

“I actually just tell people my birthday is in February,” says Maya Blitzen, another UC Berkeley student. “No one has February birthdays, everyone wants an excuse to party, everyone’s in town. It’s perfect. It even says so on Facebook! It’s hard living a double life, but it helps me be more like my hero: Hannah Montana superfan Miley Cyrus.”

In an attempt to rectify the situation and ease the mild dismay of a few people, the CDC is now adopting an abstinence-only policy for late March. 

“We know there were a lot of pandemic babies. We know a lot of them were born in December,” CDC spokeswoman Kristen Nordlund told reporters. “And that sucks to suck. But from now on we will be moving No Nut November to No Nut March. It doesn’t have the same alliteration, but it will have a much greater spillover (or lack of). Also, we’re really tired of putting out Covid updates. If you’re not vaccinated by now, there’s no hope. I don’t care anymore. 2023 is the year I quit.”

At press time, Jesus was still believed to be dead (for the time being).

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