BERKELEY, Calif. — Upon collecting data from multiple Strada Baristas, scientist Riya Chatterjee has confirmed that the Caffe Strada Baristas hate you specifically. “No, the …
“You Come Here Often ;)?” Asks Project Partner on Shared Google Doc
THE INTERNET — UC Berkeley sophomore Kevin Nguyen mistook his lab group’s shared need to pass ME 108 for something more this week. “Haha hey, …
New Year’s Resolutions For Each Major
As we reflect on how we can be better in 2022 (which wouldn’t be hard considering the pieces of shit we collectively were in 2021), …
Girl With December Birthday Feels a Little Upstaged by Jesus
BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley sophomore Alice Cunningham was disappointed to learn that Christmas was within three days of her upcoming birthday. “Sometimes, I really …
Student Cums While Writing a Negative Course Evaluation
BERKELEY, Calif. — First-year Cal student Tanya Pierre recently exerted her revenge on her calculus professor of four months. “Professor Face makes students feel dumb …
Local Villain Posts Entire Concert on Instagram Story
SAN FRANCISCO — Senior Kennedy Rosewood recently went to the Taylor the Maker concert at the Warfield, notifying 500 of her closest friends when posted …
How to Tell Your White Roommates Gilmore Girls Is Just Okay
BERKELEY, Calif. — Sophomore Anika Khan watched Gilmore Girls for the first time this past month after her roommates insisted it was a classic. “How …
Haas Senior Watches Squid Game, Has Innovative Startup Idea
Berkeley, Calif – Haas senior Drew Balzarian struck inspiration while watching Squid Game recently.
“I don’t usually watch TV, I’m too busy checking my Robinhood portfolio and mansplaining venture capital to first year girls I wanna trying to fuck. I don’t know why it’s a movie and not a business model. The dumbass director probably didn’t even care how much money he could make off of this. People keep saying ‘it’s satire,’ but it doesn’t have to be! I have 50 SF VC funds who are interested right now! Jeff Bezos offered to host it on The Moon so we don’t run into the mistakes we saw in the series.”