SAN FRANCISCO — Nationwide, college students home for the holidays have dared to attempt one of the bravest and horniest activities known to humankind. Psychologists at the University of California, San Francisco have noted that the “complete and utter epitome of self-destruction” has caused excessive strain on the mental health worlds of 18-to-23-year-olds. The activity in question? Scrolling on Tinder in one’s hometown. 

“Just don’t do it. Don’t download it. It’s not worth it,” UCLA freshman Sandra Cole warned. “Sure, you might see a few people you didn’t know were gay, or people who’ve had glow-ups you didn’t expect, but in all likelihood you’ll also encounter your fifth grade boyfriend who now races cars. You’ll find the girl who bullied you in ninth grade for your acne. And — God forbid, depending on your age preference — you might even see your junior varsity soccer coach or that high school biology teacher who was always just a tad too nice to you during exams.”

Per Cole’s advice, the National Association of Parent Teacher Associations has recommended that you just don’t do it. The last thing you need in these trying times is to perceive how these people (who gave you an authority complex and crippling social anxiety) advertise themselves for casual sex. 

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