MADRID — “Please, please, God no!” Spanish border officials proclaimed Thursday after being forced to process repeated threats via Instagram story emerging from various Cal sororities.
“Since the beginning of winter break, my team has been working around the clock to monitor all of our internet threats,” Madrid-based security expert Guillermo Marquez explained. “These women are relentlessly posing unconcealed threats to our national security via social media. I can’t imagine the kind of damage they might be willing to inflict. Last semester, a sect of these insurrectionists vomited all over a sacred religious structure and spawned a subspecies of gonorrhea unique to university housing. This semester— who knows? We could have a situation in which they manage to live three months without interacting with anyone outside of their own friend group and our mid-to-low-tier club promoters! There is, without a doubt, a disaster on the horizon.”
The distressed proclamations on behalf of the Spanish government have made little dent in the influx of these online threats. Since Thursday, no fewer than twenty disposable-camera pictures emblazoned with cryptic-yet-nevertheless-threatening captions have been disseminated across Instagram.
Among these captions are “Spain is not ready for you, girl!”, “Spain doesn’t know what’s about to hit them!”, and “Spain will burn for eternity under your wrathful, vengeful, feminine hand.”
Sister Ashley Barrett, when approached for comment, had little to say except “We’re planning for a lovely spring, I’ll just tell you that. Kappa will rise.” Four other members of the organization repeated the phrase when pressed about the recent accusations: “Kappa will rise.”
Officials from the William Randolph Hearst Center for Diplomatic Relations have yet to disclose any other details about the imminent sorority-Spain conflict. More to follow.