THE RESTING SPOT OF THE MASSES – CA At 4:20 AM, a wave of shock rattled the Berkeley community as the glade reached full capacity. All new entrants need to either be hot, have a valid doorlist, or name 5 Nobel Peace Prize winners to get into the glade.
Speaking on the decision, SAE Alum and Cal chancellor Rich Lyons referenced how they needed Berkeley presented well for the admitted students.“Look, we’ve got high school seniors and their families watching our every move out here, and if we can’t protect the ratio at one of our school’s most important functions, then how can we be a top 10 university?”
In the name of fairness and after heated debate, the co-ops and panhellenic societies came to a truce on the logistics of the affair: Thorsen sophomores would be in charge of running door.
“Look bro, I dont want to kill anyone’s vibe, because we’re all here to love each other, but at the same time if you dont have a bid you’re not getting on this fucking glade,” Thorsen sophomore Ethan Witmer explained while wearing the traditional courduroy pants, jean jacket, and a ukulele case clearly there to prompt others to ask if he could play the instrument, at which point he could give a 20 minute set. “Look bro, if I made the rules, everyone would get in, but we also need cash to buy our whippets for our next Bucking-bronco/decline-of-the-capitalist-state function, and this seemed like a great opportunity.
While students seemed surprised at the news, Berkeley authorities assured reporters that they will be notified as early as they possibly could about the switch, with a Warnme set to be sent out some time in mid July.