BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unprecedented turn of precedented events, Chancellor Christ has announced that classes will be online for the first two weeks of the spring semester.

“What did you want? It was the day after tuition was due, and ASUC Leadership hadn’t texted me back on our plans to do nothing but take credit,” Chancellor Christ wrote in a campuswide email. “The intern running our Instagram told me to ‘throw it back for the Gram’ and I realized I could throw it back to March 2020! I meant to make it a #ThrowBackThursday, but I got a little caught up watching Nathan For You and passed out on the couch last night — classic quirky Carol!”

Christ further implored students to remember why they’re going online.

“These are unprecedented times (†), but chill, guys! Think about it as a spirit day! It’s like a sorority 80s night, but ‘All of 2020’ themed and also two weeks long. Just keep in mind what’s best for the community: stay home, stay healthy, and keep quality of life as high as we can without providing staff cost-of-living adjustments.”

Many students have voiced frustration with the administration for waiting so long to announce the instructional changes. 

“It’s not fair,” complained Haas junior Sue Perrich. “If the admin had just done their job and told me we’d be remote, I could’ve delayed my return from Papá’s Carribean resort for later in the semester! Now I’m stuck with non-refundable tickets back–I mean why couldn’t they consider students who are victimized like me?” 

Other students are concerned about campus reputation 

“It’s embarrassing that they made the decision this late– it looks like we copied UCLA, which is basically the same as copying Alabama. We can’t have that as the Number One Public School in the country! The decision might make US News and World Report Rankings turn elitist and hate us again!” says Darth Drummer, a trust fund socialite from Connecticut majoring in Global Poverty to create change.

fact check: these are very, very precedented times. Like last-year precedented. Oh and also in 2020. So like double-precedented. 

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