BERKELEY, Calif. – Sigma Alpha Epsilon recruiter Trey Treyson reported a sore wrist after a slightly-harder-than-usual slap from university administration Friday morning.

“Bruh! This is so fuckin’ ridiculous!” whined Treyson while getting his boo-boo sucked by a freshman pledge. “Like, I can’t believe that SAE is not an officially recognized frat anymore. All we did was brutally haze some initiates and create a seriously high-risk environment that endangered the physical, mental, and emotional health of everyone in our vicinity. How is that a crime worthy of a slap on the wrist?”

Treyson’s legal counsel agrees that the university’s punishment was highly inappropriate for the crime at hand.

“Due to the university’s brash and heavy-handed decision to slap my client on the wrist, he may never be able to haze freshman initiates in the next one to two weeks,” said the Treyson family lawyer, James McGill, esq. “As a result of the injury he has sustained, Trey has lost the ability to carry out many of his favorite activities, including but not limited to: flicking ping-pong balls into generic-brand-red-and-white cups, holding the side of a toilet bowl while vomiting, and beating his chest like King Kong. As a longtime family friend of the Treysons, I can attest that Trey is a promising young man with a bright, trust-funded future ahead of him. The university’s heinous overreaction to what was at worst a petty felony has not only put Trey’s future in jeopardy, but has also deeply traumatized him psychologically. Consequently, the Treyson Estate will be pursuing financial restitution for damages.”

Despite vocal backlash from Treyson’s lawyer and the frat community at large, the university stands by its decision to slap Treyson on the wrist and revoke SAE’s official recognition.

“As the world’s number one public university, it is our responsibility to ensure that all violent, problematic behavior that takes place near our campus doesn’t get directly affiliated with us,” said Chancellor Carol Christ while washing her hands Pontius-Pilate-style in Ludwig’s Fountain. “To that end, we have officially cut all ties with Sigma Alpha Epsilon and will be turning an even blinder eye to their activities. We have also suppressed all information surrounding their unspecified ‘hazing rituals’ to prevent Internet vigilantes from trying to get justice for the so-called ‘victims.’ We hope that this corrective action will prevent scandal and encourage SAE to carry out their hazing activities more discreetly.”

At press time, SAE promised to be more covert with their hazing in the future.

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