BERKELEY, Calif. — In an effort to expand the range of available workout options, the Recreational Sports Facility announced Monday that it will now offer over 25 different ways to wait in line.
“At the Recreational Sports Facility, we take consumer feedback very seriously,” explained RSF spokesperson Biff McBuffee. “According to internal polls taken last semester, our most popular activity by far is waiting in line – on average, students spend a whopping 45% of their workout time waiting to workout. To meet this incredible demand, we have decided to dramatically expand our lineup of waiting lines and increase average wait times by 200%. We hope this move will satisfy line-waiting enthusiasts while giving every student something fun to do while the weight rooms are filled to capacity.”
Student reactions to the RSF’s decision have been mixed.
“I mean, I enjoy waiting in line as much as the next person, but this recent expansion might be a bit much,” said experienced line-waiter Cassy Nguyen. “It seems like all I’ve been doing since I got back to campus is waiting. First, I had to wait thirty minutes to get my booster shot, then I had to wait twenty minutes to complete my campus-mandated COVID test, then I had to wait ten minutes to pull up my clearance badge so I could get into the RSF, then I had to wait forty minutes to get into a weight room, where I had to wait another twenty minutes for a weight rack to become available. By the time I got my first rep in, a dude in a yellow polo shirt told me that the RSF was closing for the night and I had to leave. Now I have to wait in my apartment for eleven days because my COVID test came back positive.”
Despite widespread concerns from the student body, campus administrators have applauded the RSF’s actions.
“Yeah, honestly all these bitch-ass students complaining about increased wait times need to shut the fuck up,” said Chancellor Carol Christ in an unofficial statement to one of her many unpaid interns. “The RSF is implementing these policies to keep you safe. If it seems like some of them are kind of arbitrary, it’s because they are. But I promise you, they’re no more arbitrary than your decision to go to a hot, sweaty, people-packed building to do activities you could literally do outside. Want to run? Try the track. Want to lift heavy objects? Try a boulder! There’s nothing special about a yoga mat that prevents you from doing a curl-up literally anywhere else. Touch grass, losers.”
At press time, the line to touch grass had grown to nearly quadruple the size of grass capacity.