BERKELEY, Calif. – At an ASUC Superb event this weekend, undergraduate business student Michael Kochnoffer took home the grand prize in a Halloween costume contest for “Best Bloodsucking Parasite,” despite just wearing his usual attire of choice. 

“I’ve never seen such a horrifying, disgusting costume. He got the look of a true monster down perfectly,” said partygoer Bryce Callahan, a frequent victim of these horrific vibes due to unlucky moments in Kochnoffer’s vicinity. “It wasn’t just the costume, but he was so in character, too! Kept spewing lines like ‘I’ve been diversifying my portfolio lately’ and ‘I don’t believe in tipping waiters.’ Some real frightening stuff!” 

Kochnoffer, swept into the Superb contest while on his way to a meeting with SkyDeck board members about his “brand-new” startup idea, was confused and painstakingly unaware of the brutal irony of his costume achievement.  

“I’m not exactly sure what happened but I think they just saw how cool and hot I am and were like ‘bro we gotta give him a prize just for that,’” Kochnoffer said, straightening out his Hugo Boss suit from Macy’s. “People just need to recognize that everyone is going to work for me because I actually worked my way up and out hustle people every step of the way,” explained Kochnoffer, who also happens to be the son of Berkshire Hathaway’s Chief Financial Officer.

Contest officials were confident in the authenticity and originality of Kochnoffer’s carefully-constructed costume. 

“I was really impressed with his costume,” SUPERB representative and party host Nicole Gordon reported. “My friend kept insisting that he wasn’t actually in costume, but what sort of sick freak just wears a suit nonchalantly like that? You mean to tell me he’s been wearing that all day? And the cloud of pungent Axe Body Spray around him you can smell from across the room? I get chills at the thought that someone might actually be living their life like that!” 

Others were impressed by Kochnoffer’s commitment to character acting, which seemingly began even before the contest. 

“I saw Kochnoffer yesterday in the bathroom pressuring two freshmen sorority sisters into snorting a line of cocaine. Props like those are what truly elevate somebody’s costume to the next level,” frequent urinator Yasmina Radcliff testified. “His performance really added a lot of layers too. He even added a bit where he unironically recommended the Joe Rogan Experience. He’s the best Bloodsucking Parasite for sure!” 

The following day, Kochnoffer was reported still wearing his horrifying costume, presumably preparing for next Halloween.

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