BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite being a long-standing follower of the controversial Happy Fun Time Feelings Always organization (HFTFA), cult member Daniel Coventry has been totally slacking in their group sacrifice project, fellow members have reported.
“His complete lack of work ethic is really ruining things for us” said sacrifice partner Drake Anderson. “How will I be able to please Father Ra Sha Dukakis Esquire when Daniel doesn’t even try to taste the fermented capybara meat that we use to bless the Moon Deity Baba Booey? I didn’t quit my job as a rheumatologist to get demoted from the holy rank of cool guy to kinda not cool tbh,” added Anderson in between rips of a brown-water-filled bong.
Coventry refuted these claims: “Look, we all joined the Happy Fun Time Feelings Always Cul– I mean legitimate organization– for the same reasons as all the other white people here who had a midlife crisis and decided the only cure was to appropriate Indian spiritualism and have grimy unprotected group sex. But I’m super busy right now and my group members could just take over some of my responsibilities if they really cared about finishing the project on time. For example, maybe they could help collect some of the community’s earwax to light the eternal flame of joy instead of just complaining like the worthless pieces of shit they are. Peace and happiness all around though.”
Founder Ra Sha Dukakis Esquire spoke of the necessity of the group sacrifice:
“I wrote all about this ritual in my 5,000-page book that was originally a Captain Underpants fanfic. But to give you the gist, we must sacrifice several goats, as well as the member who scores lowest in Dance Dance Revolution. The omnipotent Korbulon consumes all, especially those who have no rhythm. We have to do all of this before October 28th, which is by pure coincidence my birthday, so we can keep our good times going on forever. All of this is why I don’t grant extensions for this project.”
One journalist has been following HFTFA for some time, and came to some important findings.
“Yeah, the whole thing is a cult,” said New York Times journalist Kirsten Ricci. “I’ve been working on an exposé of the HFTFA cult for the past three years, usually after crossfit sessions. The irony of that is totally lost on me. But more importantly, I’ve discovered Father Ra Sha Dukakis Esquire is actually named Dennis Barry and played trombone in a ska band but got kicked out for playing offbeat. And that’s why, of course, he made the cult to prove that unlike those ‘two timing jerks in Ska Ska Gabor,’ he actually does have rhythm.”
During the press interview, Coventry was seen ignoring yet another text from his group asking him to start his part in the project (adding extra upsetting smells to the humid communal orgy room). Meanwhile, the FBI has finished setting up mechanisms to raid the cult compound.