OAKLAND, Calif. – Facing a major financial crisis, Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) has continued its trend of decreasing frequency of service. While the first …
Honoring His Legacy: 11,000 Cluster Bombs to be Dropped on Henry Kissinger’s Body
HARTFORD, Conn. – Nobel Peace Prize recipient and carpet bomber of Laos and Cambodia, Henry Kissinger, has passed away at the early age of 100. …
New Roommate Refrigerates Maple Syrup, Which is Fine, I Guess
Confusion has arisen from the household habits of my newest roommate, “Jeff.” I don’t mind the incessant sleepwalking, the unbridled flatulence, the endorsement of conspiracy …
Heartwarming! Nation’s Political Leadership Overcomes Bitter Partisan Division to Fuck Over Rail Workers
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a miraculous gesture of bipartisanship, elected officials of both major political parties managed to put aside their differences to force rail …
Haas Student Wearing Everyday Outfit Wins Contest for ‘Best Bloodsucking Parasite’ Costume
BERKELEY, Calif. – At an ASUC Superb event this weekend, undergraduate business student Michael Kochnoffer took home the grand prize in a Halloween costume contest …
Best of Berkeley 2022
Although it’s only May, we feel it is the appropriate time to give recommendations for the best Berkeley sites of 2022. We are incredibly privileged …
BREAKING: You Need to Call Your Dad, He’s Lonely
EVERY SUBURBAN TOWN – Local officials have concluded that your dad calling you three days in a row, all at 5:00 AM, is just the …
Games of Berkeley Now Selling Russian Roulette
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to better market to UC Berkeley Students, Games of Berkeley has started selling Russian Roulette. “The board games aren’t …
Frat Almost Kills Pledge as “Postmodern Commentary on Excess and Hedonism of Contemporary Society”
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following a recent hazing incident in which a freshman pledge almost died, Tau Gamma Rho junior and HR representative Bryce Chuck claimed …
Will Smith Finally Tired of Other Men Screaming Out His Wife’s Name
LOS ANGELES — At this year’s Academy Awards, Will Smith open-hand smacked Chris Rock in an attempt to defend his much-publicized marriage to actress Jada …