WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a miraculous gesture of bipartisanship, elected officials of both major political parties managed to put aside their differences to force rail workers to accept a labor contract that includes zero sick days.*

“This coming together from both sides of the aisle to deprive working class people of basic rights shows that our American democratic system is still strong and intact,” said President Joe Biden while en route to Scranton, Pennsylvania to buy ice cream from the families of the people he is fucking over. “Speaking of rail workers, I remember this one time when I was young and hot, I railed this one worker behind the old sodapop fountain, this was back in ‘64 or maybe ‘59 or maybe…” The rest of this 53-line quote was cut for the sake of brevity and clarity. 

Despite the overall mood of jubilation pervading the White House and Congress, some House Progressives expressed regret over the decision.

“As a proud, pro-labor progressive, I simply had no idea that my vote to strip rail workers of their right to strike [i.e. their only bargaining tool] would backfire so spectacularly,” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “I really thought that the anti-worker, pro-corporate, Super-PAC-funded Senate that I constantly virtue-signal against would totally pass a separate bill giving rail workers sick days out of the goodness of their hearts. Welp, the egg’s on my face now, ha ha! I guess we’ll get ‘em next time.”

Some prominent conservatives also disagreed with the outcome, albeit for different reasons.

“It is disgusting that Congress would even get involved in this matter,” said Senator and suspected serial killer Ted Cruz (R-TX). “How dare the federal government give these workers next to nothing instead of absolutely nothing? I signed up for this job for the same reasons as everyone else: to get money from corporate lobbyists while progressively making things worse for everyone. And I can guarantee that’s the same reason why Texans voted for me.”

Following the vote, the Senate adjourned to take a break from their crushing schedule of 3-day work weeks with 188 days off. 

*According to unbiased fact checkers from the world’s most prominent corporate-funded news networks, this claim is CERTIFIED FALSE (3 Pinocchios). Under the new contract, rail workers will in fact be getting THREE WHOLE SICK DAYS (which must be requested 30 days in advance).

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