OAKLAND, Calif. – Facing a major financial crisis, Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) has continued its trend of decreasing frequency of service. While the first step was increasing wait times from 15 minutes to 20 minutes, they have now doubled down and decreased frequency to “fuck you, it just left and there won’t be another train until you stop waiting and leave the station.”
“Of course, this is not an ideal situation but it’s desperate times call for desperate measures,” explained BART director Slo Survise while pushing back the Silicon Valley extension 40 years because three people at a town hall said it might be too loud. “I know people always say that the key to making public transportation popular is increasing frequency so people don’t have to wait too much, but we have to be realistic. We have to actively sabotage our system by making sure it spites you specifically. It’s just more financially efficient. Anyways, we’re also going to hire 50,000 new police officers to brutalize poor people and minorities.”
BART rider and enthusiast Mandy Jenkins explained her disdain for this change.
“I use BART to commute to work every day. I’ve built my whole schedule around the few times it would come but now, I end up running at the train just as it rolls away like I’m the main character in a 1950s comedy movie and they’re trying to show that life’s not going my way. And that’s really problematic because I am definitely much more like a cool mysterious neo-noir side character who cuts apple slices with a pocket knife.”
While this change is generally unpopular, BART project manager Stephen Smuckly enthusiastically shared some other positive developments for the service.
“Look, we have to recognize that the world is changing and new technology needs to be better interconnected with BART. That’s why, instead of allowing riders to pay using debit or credit cards, we’re going to let you download your Clipper card onto your phone. It will not work and you’ll lose all the money you had on the card already but it’s futuristic because it’s on your phone. And they say American public transit is behind the times,” said Smuckly while crossing his arms like the token cool Disney Channel character who replies to things with epic comebacks.
Following the decrease in frequency, Caltrain announced it would follow suit and decrease its top speed to 46 miles per hour.