Although it’s only May, we feel it is the appropriate time to give recommendations for the best Berkeley sites of 2022. We are incredibly privileged to live in such a culturally rich and diverse city. To honor this, we polled the public at large (ten journalism majors who haven’t slept in three years because they all want to become editor-in-chief) to bring you the finest local picks. Without further ado, here are the most milquetoast gentrified college-student infested parts of the city that absolutely no local would go to. We hope in this season of growth (spring) you’ll be inspired by this list to explore all these exciting places that you probably already frequent on a regular basis because late stage capitalism has homogenized culture, making us all live the same cookie-cutter lives with only slight variations.
- Best Building: Whatever the opposite of Evans is
- “I dream of a better future where Evans ceases to exist. Every time I see that ribbed butt plug of a building, I am filled with extreme rage. It’s gotten to the point that if I even meet a guy named Evan, I have to physically stop myself from punching him in the face. But then a miracle happened, UC Berkeley announced they’re going to tear that piece of shit down. Maybe there is a god after all.” – Stan Smalls
- Best Library: Main Stacks
- “Every time I wake up I think I’m going to wake up back in Main Stacks. I’d wake up and there’d be nothing. When I came back to my room after first spending seven straight hours down there cramming CS, it was worse. I hardly said a word to my roommate. I was so ready to leave that I said ‘yes’ to getting sexiled. All I could think of was getting back into the heart of darkness that is the Stacks. I’ve been in here for a week now… waiting for dead week… getting softer. Every minute I stay away from that concrete basement, I get weaker, and every minute a sweaty EECS kid finds a secluded study spot in the Stacks, he gets stronger.” – Ben Willard
- Best professor (based solely on the metric of who is responsible for the most war crimes): John Yoo
- Best lecture hall: https://berkeley.zoom.us/j/643f6513g57
- Best DeCal: The Art of Creating a Ponzi Scheme 101
- Best bathroom: The one I banged your mom in (Sheryl, please call me. I miss you).
- Best performing group: Whenever Carol Christ and the Regents have to act like they care about students
- Best art gallery or museum: A frat guy’s camera roll that’s just 500 pics of his mediocre dick
- Best Bookstore: The Cardboard Box on the Corner of College and Dwight That Says “Free” on the Side
- “Oh…um. Yeah, I definitely read for pleasure. What was the last book I read? Um, yeah it was the one with the… it had like, there were two eggs or something. What? No! It definitely wasn’t The Great Gatsby for English class in junior year of high school!” – Amanda Wilson
- Best Viewpoint: [REDACTED HOUSE NUMBER] Panoramic Way, Berkeley 94704
- “Me and the boys broke into some random rich person’s house near the Fire Trails ‘cause we got lost on the way back and got hungry. Thankfully, the owners weren’t there but we discovered a hidden basement that they clearly didn’t know about. Our lease was ending soon and we desperately needed housing so we did what any other Berkeley student would do, secretly live in the basement of that house Parasite-style. I mean yeah, we do have to live in perpetual darkness with rats and termites running around the floor but if you squint through a specific crack in the wall, you can see the whole Bay Area.” – Albert Johnson
- Best Movie Theater: My laptop after pirating Morbius in 480p.
- Best Student Film: Cum, a student film that cuts the bullshit by just showing the director jerking himself off to his own cinematic genius
- Best Place to go on a Date: That thing on Sproul when a woman with a megaphone argues with the homophobic preachers with mics who look like they have skid marks in their underwear
- Best Local Artist: Yung Biryani (my talentless friend Prashant from Fremont who I only included because I owe him a favor)
- Best University: Berkeley City College
- Best coffee: My caffeinated piss that is dark brown because I’m extremely dehydrated from drinking too much coffee. I refuse to tell you where I get the coffee I drink as I have now shifted solely to my own piss.
- Best boba: Sweetheart Cafe
- “I’ve tried a lot of boba places in Berkeley (2 total) and I can confirm Sweethearts is the best. Trust me, I’m not biased because I used to go to Feng Cha all the time until recently but I now know that Sweethearts is superior. They’re both great but unlike Feng Cha, you don’t catch your boyfriend of two years cheating on you with your best friend at Sweetheart Cafe. So yeah, fuck you Tim and fuck you Jenny. I wish you nothing but the worst. Also, Sweethearts stays open later” – Sally Chung
- Runner up: The Gnocchi from Gypsy’s
- Best Burger: Super Duper Burgers (We have no idea this is actually a chain)
- Best Taco: Taco Bell Cantina (We know this is a chain but are too close-minded to try actual Mexican food)
- Best Pizza: One of those weird frozen cauliflower crust pizzas you get from Trader Joe’s and eat at 2 AM in the middle of a depressive spiral
- Best Sandwich: The GBC Philly Cheesesteak when you realize you haven’t eaten all day, it’s already 4 PM, you have class in 10 minutes, and you completely lack self esteem.
- Best Bar: Anything is a bar if you’re willing to get publicly wasted there.
- Best Frozen Dessert: My dick the way she licks it like a popsicle (please talk to me Sheryl. I’m so alone. I haven’t seen you in months)
- Best Brunch: La Note
- “It’s great when your parents visit because they pay for it. Rounds of delightful baked bread and pastries gracefully interrupt the awkward silence of your conversation with your family. This is, of course, because you’ve changed a lot as a person since coming to college and they miss the old you but they need to realize that the person you are now is the real you. Overall, a great time. Make sure to get there early.” – Sofia Martinez