BERKELEY, Calif. — Although Cal junior Dave Mills is best known for his 2011 Honda Fit (sport model), his friends report that he may have other qualities.

“Dave’s great! He’s always free to drive the gang somewhere,” reported Dave’s longtime friend Katie Woodley. “He usually plays pretty good music when he’s driving, too. His favorite song is ‘Whatever You Guys Wanna Listen To,’ but he also listens to the Beatles and the Weeknd. He’s really important to me; I hope I learn his last name someday”

Dave’s popularity is not, however, universal. 

“Here’s the thing about Dave: he’s always driving people places,” environmental studies major Siena Corduroy remarked. “That’s wasting a lot of gas, and he doesn’t even charge people for it! He just says things like ‘don’t worry about it, I’m just happy to be around friends’ and then starts talking about the weather or something. I don’t even know anything else about him! I’m not sure what his angle is, but I don’t trust it.”

Dave rejects the idea, though, that he’s a one-trait kind of guy.

“I get why people think I’m bland, but I wholeheartedly disagree,” Dave said, dusting the crumbs of his unbuttered breakfast toast from his black Vans slip-ons. “I’m not that different from most of my friends: I put on my blue jeans one leg at a time, everyday, without fail, never wavering from the one pair I own. If people really don’t know me, I’d be happy to sit down and get to know them over my favorite meal: a large Costco pepperoni pizza.”

At press time, Dave was seen waving and smiling to every person who walked past him on his way to class.

 

Photo by RODNAE Productions.

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