Buckle up, Thanksgiving season is here, which means it’s that time of the year where you get to sit down and get down and dirty at the dinner table with your extended family and friends. But while you’re chowing down on your Thanksgiving dinner, there may be a special someone across the table from you whose juicy jewel you’d rather be gobbling. It might be your childhood friend, it might be your significant other, it might be your significant others (we don’t judge; the more the merrier), it might be your step-sibling, or it might even be your second cousin (okay, maybe we do judge, but you do you). Here are three ways to make it clear that you are a connoisseur of the ass a la carte. 

  1. Eye Contact

What better way to show your interest than to stare into the eyes of your interest as you slowly tease the food from your plate to your mouth. Once your interest sees how passionately you can devour the hand-crafted Fettuccine pasta your Mom diligently made from scratch that morning, they will know that you are also a master of eating the loose linguini.

2. Rip that Turkey Apart

When you go for the turkey leg, don’t meekly pull it off. Grab that thing like you own it and rip it off, letting the turkey stuffing projectile onto everyone in a ten feet radius. While the mess you create might lead to a nasty argument with your family at the dinner table, it’ll be nothing compared to the nasty necktie you will give later. 

3. Look Ma, No Hands

Every few minutes or so, or enough to get peoples’ imagination going, put down your utensils and continue eating with just your hands. Lean over and lick every crevice and corner of the intricate patterning on the fine china your parents brought out for this special occasion until every drop of gravy and stuffing is gone. 

Whatever you call it: The dangling dinner, the foul flan, the green gordita, the orifice overflow, the viscous veal, the watery waffle, or the clenched cuisine, everyone at the dinner table will know that you mean business when you follow these simple tips.

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