Recently, university staff have announced that Moffitt, the beloved school library and best place for crying before finals, will be closed for the Spring 2022 …
Top 5 Northside Restaurants to Eat at Alone When All Your Friends Live on Southside
5. The Company Recruiting Info Sessions in Soda Hall
Go to Wozniak Lounge in Soda Hall around 5-6 pm on a random weekday and chances are a startup or medium-sized tech company will be giving away free food, t-shirts, and boba to lure starry-eyed computer science students into selling their souls and working for them. Walk up to a recruiter and say something about how machine learning, blockchain, cryptocurrency, and NFTs can create world peace and collect your well-deserved free Banh Mi or pizza slice. Maybe corporations ARE your friend!
Cal Announces New Course Enrollment Process
“I can’t share all of the details, but our new plan fundamentally makes class enrollment fairer,” Vice Chancellor of Enrollment Todd Bondy announced in a press release. “We just want to test the true will and desire of students to be enrolled in the classes they want.”
JPMorgan Exec Replaced by Pre-Haas Freshman in Berkeley Consulting
JPMorgan Vice President of Business Operation and Strategy Chuck Price announced plans to step down this past weekend, following the recent trend of older JPMorgan execs resigning to make way for newer, out-of-the-box thinkers.
“I know this might come as a shock,” reported Price, “but I have an excellent replacement lined up: Cal pre-Haas freshman Doug Doolittle. Despite stiff requirements and stiffer competition, Mr. Doolittle has managed to land a coveted spot in one of UC Berkeley’s most prestigious consulting clubs, Berkeley Consulting. I know the critics will spear me for giving my job to a freshman while I retire to the Cayman Islands, but moving from Berkeley Consulting to JPMorgan was simply the next logical step for this young man.”
Trader Joe’s Shopper Unable to Find Bananas, Only “Sweet Yellow Potassium Curved Rods”
“THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I needed BANANAS and ORANGES, but instead, all I could find was a box of ‘Sweet Yellow Potassium Rods’ and a bag of ‘Sour Orange Citruses!’”
Top 5 Things in Berkeley to Lick Once You’re Vaccinated
1. The Candy? Hole in the Bathroom of Morrison Library There’s this weird hole in the wall between two bathroom stalls in Morrison Library, and …
Wholesome! Professor Includes Cute Dog Photo in Announcement that the Midterm Average Was a 46
“The professor displayed a serious lack of judgment and professionalism in his conduct. We are appalled that he didn’t choose a picture of a cuter breed, like a Corgi or Shiba Inu. Even a French Bulldog would’ve been better.”
Guy in Philosophy Class Really Interested in the Morality of Incest For Some Reason
*Below is a retelling of a zoom recording that was sent to us through our anonymous tip line* “Hey uh… Professor? Sorry to interrupt, but …
UC Berkeley #1 in Public Universities That Didn’t Participate in Capitol Riots
Recently, the high council of U.S. News & World Report added a new section to their exhaustive list of university rankings after a UCLA student …
Health Officials Propose Storing COVID Vaccines in Main Stacks Amidst Freezer Space Shortage
The bleak, frozen environment of this place is known for its chilling temperatures and stark landscape as one of the coldest and quietest natural sites in the Northern Hemisphere.