Recently, the high council of U.S. News & World Report added a new section to their exhaustive list of university rankings after a UCLA student allegedly stormed the capitol and Senate chamber. This new category, dubbed “Top Public Schools (that didn’t participate in the capitol riots),” was created after UC Berkeley administrators pooled together funds to commit a one-time “donation” to the popular college ranking publication. While this ate up the entirety of the school’s budget for 2021, most commend this as a great decision for the direction of the university.

“I think my future prospective employers will really care that UC Berkeley is listed as the #1 public university and not the #2 public university when deciding whether to hire me or not,” said a pixelated Michael Smith over Zoom Basic, calling us from a twenty-year-old laptop on free Starbucks wifi because the university now had to essentially cut all funding for student technology support through the rest of the year. 

In a public conference, UC Berkeley press officials announced that “The creation of this new category does not concede that we are ranked #2 in public universities without the added clause about the capitol riots. We still maintain that we are #1 in all and every possible ranking. This is just another first-place finish for us”.

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