UPSTATE NEW YORK, New York — When Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. swore into the most powerful office in the world, grandparents David and Marie Gold threw an absolute ball — on Zoom, of course.
“We’re just so relieved. That dastardly man has no idea how hard he’s made our lives for the past four years — no idea. Now we can go back to exactly the way things were in 2016, before this country had problems,” said Ms. Gold, fumbling with her Obama ‘08 pin now tangled with her Cartier necklace. “I can finally stop knitting those goddamn pussy hats and marching in those protests that I’m expected to attend because I’m a ‘progressive woman’ or because I ‘care about Black lives.’ No more of that racket. And I’m glad for my granddaughter — she’s happy now that she can live the rest of her life in peace!”
Berkeley Sophomore and CALPIRG die-hard Eliza Gold, granddaughter in question, has been amply frustrated in post-inaugural interactions with her grandparents.
“I literally can’t take it, they’re so fucking out of it. How can I fully commit to harassing students on Sproul Plaza for CALPIRG when my literal grandmother’s giving Jeff money to Amazon Prime this shit to me every day??!!” she lamented as she lit a Joe Biden poster on fire and tossed it into a surprisingly elegant wood-burning fireplace for a college student. “This is the third Biden poster she’s sent me this week. They’ve both sent me all sorts of celebratory emails, New York Times articles, Rachel Maddow videos, Biden this, Kamala that. They love Biden so much, it’s my worst nightmare. WHITE PEOPLE. They’re so out of it I literally don’t know what to do. ACAB ACAB ACAB?!?!”
Notably white herself and continuing to shout “ACAB” for no particular reason, she raised a Black power fist above her head and began marching in circles, quickening her pace until she appeared to spontaneously combust.
According to the elderly couple, their beloved daily routine — waking up, watching television, petting their dog Hubert, walking around an elegant New York suburb and cooking dinner — was drastically affected by Trump.
“Listen, how the hell can I watch the MSNBC morning show on the flatscreen TV when all that goddamn Cheeto-head brouhaha is going on? And frankly, I hate seeing that chirpy Rachel Maddow girl all worked up about it — you know, I’ve grown to think of her like a daughter. Anyway…it’s been preposterous,” scoffed Mr. Gold. “Yes, my Berkshire shares quadrupled in value and our Ford stock did well. I was able to pay off our mortgage on the Mexico house and even score us this quaint little Upper East Side penthouse… you know… for the weekends… Marie likes Broadway. But still — these past four years were awful for all of us.”