BERKELEY, Calif. — Earlier this week, Berkeley health officials announced they were running out of space to house the upcoming shipment of Pfizer’s COVID vaccines, which reportedly have to be stored at around -70°C, or roughly -94°F for those of us who aren’t nerds. To get a better sense of these frigid temperatures, they require industrial, ultra-cold freezers and are comparable to living in Antarctica, waiting in line outside of a Frat house on a Friday night, or attending SnowGlobe in lingerie.

However, experts recently discovered a new, icy-cold environment that consistently maintains temperatures low enough to store Pfizer’s COVID vaccines. This desolate, subzero tundra that many refer to as “The Four Circles of Hell,” or more canonically, “Main Stacks Library,” has become the new proposed location to store the incoming shipment of vaccines. The bleak, frozen environment of this place is known for its chilling temperatures and stark landscape as one of the coldest and quietest natural sites in the Northern Hemisphere. 

Empirical testing during finals week has shown that even when packed with hundreds to thousands of students, the unrelenting air conditioner and uptight courtesy of the students keep Main Stacks a cold, calm, and sterile site. 

Berkeley health officials have already begun the arduous process of carefully transporting the current supply of vaccines into Main Stacks, placing them between books in the bookshelves of the library to ensure that students will never disturb or even come near them

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