JPMorgan Vice President of Business Operation and Strategy Chuck Price announced plans to step down this past weekend, following the recent trend of older JPMorgan execs resigning to make way for newer, out-of-the-box thinkers. 

“I know this might come as a shock,” reported Price, “but I have an excellent replacement lined up: Cal pre-Haas freshman Doug Doolittle. Despite stiff requirements and stiffer competition, Mr. Doolittle has managed to land a coveted spot in one of UC Berkeley’s most prestigious consulting clubs, Berkeley Consulting. I know the critics will spear me for giving my job to a freshman while I retire to the Cayman Islands, but moving from Berkeley Consulting to JPMorgan was simply the next logical step for this young man.” 

Doolittle defended himself in a press conference Monday. 

“You guys don’t understand! I’m part of Berkeley Consulting! Berkeley. Consulting,” Doolittle pleaded through embarrassing voice cracks. “They only let five people in a year, which is like a 0.00001% acceptance rate if you divide that by the 44,000 people who attend Berkeley and then also factor in the acceptance rate to even get into Berkeley.” 

Doolittle then went on to extensively detail his background and qualifications. 

“Not only was I the captain of my high school speech and debate team, but I also worked directly to make fancy PowerPoints to rehash basic economics to management teams at Facebook, Goldman Sachs, and Google.”

Most business advisors seem optimistic about Doolittle’s leadership and greatly admire him for achieving such a prestigious position in the upper echelons of the business world at an unbelievably young age.

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