SAN FRANCISCO — After years of increasing risk in California, utility monopoly Pacific Gas and Electric (PG&E) has begun to encourage preventative measures against further damages.

“Every year, dozens of Californians lose their lives to the deadly fires that ravage our state. The loss is unquantifiable; you can’t put a dollar value on human life, or so our attorneys have argued in the most recent bout of lawsuits,” company representative Eileen Sharp stated in an official company YouTube video. “There are, however, steps the consumer can take so that we don’t have to update our infrastructure. Avoid using our literal only service when you need it most, tell Pelosi to support the Green New Whatever, and, for the love of god, don’t stream the new mixtape Fire Season by Young Modulus.” 

Oakland-based musician Drew Johnson, better known as Young Modulus, seemed ambivalent about the announcement. 

“Yeah, I get it. All my friends say Fire Season is pretty heat — and the Soundcloud comments agree. With an album that fire, you’ve gotta be careful. Still though, it kinda sucks. I started making that thing when I was cooped up from the pandemic and couldn’t go outside because of the Lovecraftian hellscape that colonial hubris has turned California’s climate into. It’s too bad the world won’t get to hear tracks like ‘Mask On’ and ‘Holy Fuck the Sky is Orange.’”

UC Berkeley professor and climatologist Todd Byrne, however, has called PG&E’s advice into question.

“I just don’t see the issue. When I was a kid, my Hall & Oates tapes and Eagles records never caused any fires. Was it because they suck? Maybe, but the more likely explanation is that these fires are being exacerbated by other factors. Unfortunately, my most recent study has concluded that PG&E took Smokey the Bear to an undisclosed location last month for brutal execution, so we may never be able to find out what those factors are.”

At press time, PG&E CEO Patricia Poppe was seen using an endangered redwood branch to light a cigar and blow smoke into a low-income neighborhood.

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