Last Friday, the UC Berkeley Office of the Registrar unveiled a new plan to overhaul and revamp the class enrollment process.

“I can’t share all of the details, but our new plan fundamentally makes class enrollment fairer,” Vice Chancellor of Enrollment Todd Bondy announced in a press release. “We just want to test the true will and desire of students to be enrolled in the classes they want.”

The change has been met with enthusiasm from faculty.

“Before, any old student from the street could just join my class. Now, they have to prove their worth in order to experience my barrage of busy work, grade deflation, and general class-induced mental anguish,” rejoiced EPS Professor Dan Sparks.

The plan, however, hasn’t gone without controversy. 

“We understand that there are concerns surrounding the student-mandated death-games we are playing, but don’t worry. We will still provide significant advantages for regents scholars and any bullets used will, in fact, be ethically sourced,” wrote campus representative Tom Long in an online FAQ. “To keep students at ease, we plan to include various takes on timeless Cal games, like the classic, ‘Don’t touch the seal, or you’ll be Oski’s meal’ and the Sproul rendition of, ‘Dodge the flyer, or you’ll catch fire.’”

Administration has further clarified that students who successfully complete the games in a 6-round single elimination bracket will be guaranteed a spot on the waitlist of any class of their choosing as well as a voucher for $55 in flex dollars; students who are eliminated from the game at any point will be doing their part to reduce class sizes. 

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