BERKELEY, Calif. – Following months of speculation and anticipation from his neighbors, one local man has, for the fifth year in a row, insisted upon providing safe, store bought candy for all trick-or-treaters. The man, nicknamed “Super Creepy Sweater Guy” by neighborhood tweens, insists that he’s just “an old workaholic still reeling from a messy divorce,” but everyone with common sense knows that an older man who lives alone is inherently obsessed with placing razors in Halloween candy..
“Super Creepy Sweater Guy is called that because last year he wore a sweater outside in the middle of July, which really alerted the neighborhood to the fact that he was untrustworthy,” asserted seventh grader Katherine Romas in a bus stop conversation last Tuesday. “He doesn’t try to interact with us ever, even when we egged his creepy old house,” she added. “Not even when we tried to blame him for stealing Peggy’s cat, or even when we ding-dong-ditched him seven times in three weeks. He was probably so distracted with the razor-blade candy scheme that he couldn’t see us fighting back right under his nose. I just wish he would finally make a move, because it’s starting to get even creepier that he’s been here for five years and never revealed his true, creepy self.”
While children have not been warned to beware Super Creepy Sweater Guy, they already do so instinctively.
“I read somewhere that weirdos love to put razor blades in candy, and this guy definitely fits the bill,” reported a neighboring eleven year old Tuesday. “He always takes morning walks around the neighborhood, and his house paint is chipping a little, probably because he’s saving all his money to purchase razor blades and re-sealing equipment
Neighborhood weirdo Super Creepy Sweater Guy, however, seems to be unfazed by local rumors.
“Ahh, those kids,” Mr. Guy said in a recent interview, wearing a weather-appropriate jacket. “They love to have fun, which is why I always hand out the king-sized candy bars every Halloween. I love this neighborhood.” After further interrogation in which Super Creepy Sweater Guy claimed that he “‘[didn’t] really know” where to purchase enormous, industrial quantities of razor blades nor how to work a plastic package resealer.
The neighborhood has come to the conclusion that he must have larger, more high-stakes schemes at play, like anthrax letters or something equally as complex, labor-intensive, and sinister.