1. Slutty Oski
Oski is the scariest mascot in America. He eats children, students, and parents alike. He terrifies the other football team, though not enough to make them actually lose.
But, let’s face it: everyone’s gonna be Oski, so you need to spice it up. Unbutton the top button. Show some fur. Take off a glove — or, if you’re feeling naughty, take off both.
What you’ll need: Your school-mandated Oski uniform. We all have one.
2. The Floating Hand You See When You Open Your Amazon Locker Too Early
Okay, what else is Amazon supposed to do when one of its warehouse workers loses a limb? Throw it out? Pay them workers comp? C’mon, it’s Amazon. That thing is a separate entity now, and it’s not part of a human anymore, so they don’t even have to pay it minimum wage. This is why we need hand unions. So yeah, maybe the spectre of communism is haunting the ASUC and you can scare Amazon shitless by reminding them of that.
What you’ll need: A hand, a hacksaw, and a hell of a lot of tylenol.
3. A Slutty Red Exclamation Mark Next to the My Finances Tab in CalCentral.
This is CalCentral’s cute little way of reminding you that even though you’re studying at the #1 Public University in the country, you’re also going into life-destroying, terrifying debt with a humanities degree.
What you’ll need: red paint
4. The Weird Gold Statue of The Rugby Player Next to 4.0 Hill
Why? Why? Why does this statue exist? No one knows.
What we do know is that the statue spontaneously appeared during the mid-1980s, single-handedly disproving almost everything the scientific community knew about physics. Naturally, the scientific community decided to pretend it didn’t exist. The public was initially pretty pissed off that scientists chose to ignore the overwhelming evidence proving its spontaneous inception, but some guy on Sproul pointed out that the public does the same when it comes to climate change, so the public shut up.
Politics aside, obviously no one would intentionally make a golden statue of a rugby player in America. Even if somebody did decide to make one, they certainly wouldn’t put it in the middle of a school with a division one football team. And even if they did that, they absolutely wouldn’t put that statue in the middle of an otherwise completely undisturbed beautiful redwood grove in the middle of campus.
What you’ll need: Gold paint (a lot of it) and a rugby egg (or whatever a rugby ball is called?). Carrying around a large redwood tree to put in front of yourself also helps tie this costume together.
5. A Course with a C- Course Average on Berkeley Time
What you’ll need: Luck or Chegg. Either works.
6. Sexy Carol Christ
Anyone who sees this will be down real bad. Like campus-wifi-down bad.
What you’ll need: That blue jacket she always wears (ifykyk).
7. An Enrollment Time Slot that’s on the Second Day of Enrollment
Trick or Treat! The school you are paying tens of thousands of dollars to attend won’t even let you take the classes you want to!
What you’ll need: Answered prayers.
8. CNR Student
What you’ll need: Validation that you can actually make a difference in stopping the climate crisis by buying a new hydroflask every year and homemade trail mix. Nothing beats homemade trail mix.
What you’ll need: Low-tier memes and just a hint of misogyny.
10. Evans Hall
Scary costumes are trendy, but it is nice to see a truly wretched, absolutely disgusting costume every once in a while. You really want something that makes you really want to throw up all over yourself.
What you’ll need: A little bit of puke, being really tall already, and having a super-hot friend named Stanley.
11. Ted Ka-however you spell his last name
It’s always a blast dressing up as Ted Ka-however you spell his last name.
What you’ll need: The FBI says I’m not allowed to advise on this one.
12. Slutty Slut
All these commercially-available costumes start with “slutty” or “sexy,” and, frankly, it’s getting to be a bit much. Are you supposed to support them because bodily autonomy is key to modern self-expression? Are you supposed to reject them because the commercialization of sexuality primarily caters to those in power, meaning self-expression through commercial means plays into their trap? I don’t know. Is it even worth it to lampoon the concept through a self-referential Halloween joke outfit? Why am I suggesting this?
What you’ll need: A break in the existential dread
13. Oski’s Massive Elephantine Penis (Just the Penis, Nothing Attached)
This one’s number 14 for a reason.
What you’ll need: Lube.