BERKELEY, Calif. – For the majority of mischievous adult adolescents far and wide, the final days of October are a time for using silly brainiac puns as an excuse to smash slobbering faces with fanged classmates, flaunt as much bootylicious skin as possible in the name of ‘cosplay,’ and get hammered whilst pretending to be their favorite quirky TV character, never before donned for Halloween: Rachel from Friends. But for the students of Physics 134C, this is but a wistful, goth-eyeliner-filled pipe-dream.

“I came up with the idea while I was crawling out of my own asshole: make my class’s second midterm on Monday, November first!” reported physics professor Dr. Duf van Schmirtz while scratching at an unidentifiable object on his rear. “It was crazy, you know, crawling out of my own anus. It was scratchy, rough, and there were definitely some subatomic particles floating around still undiscovered to man. But when I finally made it out of my good ol’ keister, I just knew: I had to hold my class’s midterm the day after Halloween.”

In the weeks preceding their exam, students have been sitting on their own haunches in a state of complete and utter despair. 

“All I want is to experience the true, unique magic of dressing up as the ‘Spice Girls’ with my friends – you know, where we all dress as spices? No one’s ever thought of it. I was going to be cinnamon,” lamented junior physics major Sophia Garcia. “I was surprised when Shmirtz crawled out of his own anus. I just didn’t know it would be enough to make him do this unspeakable crime to our lives. I’ll never get the chance to stand in a room full of strangers, uncomfortably sweaty with makeup running down my face, wearing a $10 costume for 6 hours ever, ever again.” 

Despite complaints from students, Dr. Shmirtz appears completely unfazed. 

“Yeah, yeah. Halloween. But let’s talk about that whole ass-crawling thing. It was kind of a bummer – I really don’t know how I ended up in there,” Shmirtz remarked. “It might have something to do with me forgetting my daughter’s birthday, or how I didn’t call my mother on Christmas, or when I passed that stray puppy on the side of the road and ate all of its food… but no, I don’t think those couldn’t have been it.”

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