BERKELEY, Calif. — Recent weeks have witnessed the resurrection of otherwise dead text conversations in recent weeks, students report. 

“It was the most cursed thing that’s ever happened to me,” junior Ava Tung claimed. “I was just enjoying my Friday evening, when all of a sudden the ghost of the Tinder Match I purposely stopped responding to came back to life in my DMs. Do you hear me?? It’s alive. It’s ALIVE!”

Students across campus report several similar experiences. Seemingly ordinary nights have suddenly been disturbed by a paranormal amount of confidence, arriving in a cryptic 3:00AM message that reads, “Heyyy we haven’t caught up in a while! How are you?” 

“It’s too late for me,” senior Kasia Baranek attested. “Don’t you understand? It’s too late for all of us. As soon as you log onto Tinder you’ve been cursed. You’ll be haunted by several horny, virtual spirits for about 1-18 months — even after you leave them on read!” 

According to a Cal Well Being Survey, about 48% of students admit they regret trying to “Irish Goodbye” out of their situationship, claiming it led to an even more frighteningly awkward experience down the line.

“I should’ve practiced some healthy communication skills and just told her how I felt,” grad student Mark Buffalo explained remorsefully. “It would’ve put this whole thing to rest. In peace, you know? Rather than just leaving things unresolved.”

“I guess that’s why they call it Spooky Season,” speculated Aspen Pastore, a student who refuses to use dating apps. “This is why I tell my friends to never swipe right on people who only put their Snapchat in their Tinder bios. It will only awaken malevolent entities.” 

To remedy the epidemic, University Health Services recently announced they will be providing free fuckboy exorcisms for students with SHIP; students who’ve opted out, however, will just have to suffer.

Woman photo created by nakaridore – www.freepik.com

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